Chapter  10 – unanswered questions

 

The three of us finished the tour of the house back downstairs.  As promised 6 months ago, dad, mom and I sat down on the sofa; me in-between them like old times.  Dad brought out a scrap book I had not see before.  On the front it said Jay’s fight.

I was floored.  In the entire time I was in the hospital my family, friends, everybody refused to talk about the accident, what my car looked like, how Sam died; nothing about the accident was said.  My parents told me that there would be a time when I got out of the hospital that we would sit down like a family and talk about it.

The photo of my car looked nothing like a car.  All I could see was the rear taillights.  The front of the car was up under the back of the semi, most of the damage was on the passenger’s side.  That is where Sam was.

The crash report says that the semi braked and I went to the left lane to avoid him but his overloaded trailer swung around and pinned my car under the bumper and then rolled ontop of the car.

 

Sam never had a chance; the solid I-beam of the bumper likely hit him in the head or chest and killed him almost instantly.  When the officers arrived, I was on the ground and somebody was attending to me, but nobody knows who he was, as soon as the medics arrived, he was gone.  It was freaky, cause usually people stick around to give a statement to the police, but this guy was gone/

To this day, I still don’t remember anything in-between the brake lights, and looking up and seeing the person holding my head still telling me to lay still, and then waking up in the hospital…… Maybe it’s best that way.

We watched a video tape of the news coverage of the crash, the funeral for Sam.  Mom and Dad both told of how they found out, flying by private airplane of a co-worker down to Louisville; not knowing for sure if I would even be alive when they arrived.

The doctors gave my parents a 25% survival rate that I would make it through the first 48 hours.  Mom had taken pictures of what I looked like, and it was horrible.  I was not even recognizable.

We sat and talked for about 2 hours, crying, laughing, and seriously talking about what all had to be done.  My dad had another 2 weeks off.  Mom would start her job part-time next week.

Thanksgiving is in two weeks, and the normal tradition has been broken, all because of me.  Grandma’s house is not accessible, and the doctors don’t want me jostled too much; so everybody is coming here.  Hey at least I ain’t eating through a tube anymore, cause I love the food for the holidays.    We talked about everybody being at the house and what to expect and such.   Mom broke our little family discussion apart when she looked at her watch.

“Good Lord, we have been down here for 3 hours.  Jay has pills to take, and probably needs “attended to” (another term mom invented to avoid saying I need my diaper changed.)

For the first time I noticed how much my room has changed; or should I say grown.  My small walk-in closet has been enlarged so I can get in and out of it.  Another hall closet has been lost and absorbed into my room.  I got my bed (looks more like a crib), my desk, dresser, bedside table, and this new odd piece of furniture. It looked like a therapy table like they used at the hospital, and that I have in the basement, but not as big.  Looking under it – I knew what it was; yep you guessed it – A CHANGING TABLE!!!

It was long enough that I could lay entirely on it, but was really meant that I just lay on it with my legs hanging off the end.  It was at the height as my chair was, so that was kinda low if somebody is going to have to change me.  The first time I was laid on it, I found out a few more things.  It had a belt to keep me from falling off, and it raises up.

At this point I had just about had enough; between seeing my precious car just smooshed to bits, the news coverage from the accident, Sam’s memorial and the accident report, my room, and my situation.  I had a wet and messy diaper on, the beginnings of a rash (not good when you cannot fell in that area, it can get out of hand quick), and I was tired.  I had held my composure as long as I could about this whole change to my life – I started bawling  “I hate this” I blubbered, “I should have let Sam drive then it would have been me, it’s all my fault, I wanted to get out of town and not come back” I continued to blubber through the whole change.  Recalling that Sam had wanted to drive the car that night, and I did not want him to drive, had he been driving it would have been me in the passenger’s seat.

Being as small as I am, it was not much effort for my mom to pick me up and lay me in my bed and comfort me.  “I know that this is all so hard for you, I know you feel like it was your fault for the accident, even though it was not.  I know you are embarrassed about the whole diaper thing, not being able to control things.  But rest assured in time when you are able to do things for yourself, you can, until then me, your dad and everybody will be here to help you when you need it.  Now I think a little nap would do you well” she said as she covered me up and helped me get my CPAP mask on.

“If you need anything just call out, or hit the red button on the railing” she said as she dimmed the lights and shut the door almost all the way.