Chapter 11 – The first of many dreams
I drifted off to sleep only to awake in a pool of sweat (I hoped) and crying from a nightmare. Like a scared child I called out, but mom was already there. I had a dream where Sam was asking me to drive again and I let him, I remember the white sports car and the semi, and then it went black and I woke up”
I guess when I was in the hospital I really never got the chance to dream, cause it always seemed like somebody was checking on me, poking me, prodding me, waking me up just to get a pill to make me sleep.
I helped mom get me from bed to my chair, strip the sheets off the bed…. I got a plastic sheet again – not had one of those for a good number of years. Then got changed; this time I wanted to help more, I used the grab bars on the side of the table and rolled myself back and forth and tried to help her get the diaper under me, but my dang back brace keeps me from moving my arms and back (which it is supposed to do).
I would get these dreams for a few nights then not have them for awhile, then they came back, but fewer and fewer over the years.
That night I tried not to remember the dream, and when I got settled back into bed and comfortable, I looked over to my left, one of the stuffed animals that I had gotten with some long-gone get well balloons or a card was a Pooh bear; the bear was looking at me. You know how a teddy bear’s eyes just seem to speak directly to your soul with out them saying a word, well his did.
Then, I did it; I grabbed the Pooh bear and held it close and cuddled with it. I can’t explain why I felt a bond to that teddy bear, but yet I did. He seemed to comfort me and tell me in a way It’s going to be alright, go to sleep, I’m here to keep you safe. As I drifted off to sleep I had a peace come over me, I would get through this, I would be changed from what I used to be, but I would make it through it.
Nobody noticed that weekend that I held onto the bear when I slept, but on Monday when mom tried to bag up the stuffed animals, I threw the Pooh bear back onto my bed “I want to keep this one” My mom shot me a look “well what I sleep in looks like a crib, it might as well have a stuffed animal like one”
“Fine, after Christmas, we will look at getting a different hospital bed, since this one bothers you this much” Mom said in an annoyed tone; since I had been calling it a crib the last few days. “Keep it up and you can have extra PT, maybe I will throw you in the ice cold pool!”
“OK, drill sergeant, shall I drop and give you 20” I said smiling
“Jay I am happy to see your sense of humor coming back”
“me too” I smiled and said
“Oh boy, look at the time the lady from PT will be here soon, do you need a change before you start”
“I dunno, duh, did you forget, no feeling.” I snapped back
without missing a beat, she pulled the front of my track pants down and out and said “nope, your stripes are still yellow”
PT was long and hard, but I was used to it; my arms were so sore…. I was getting upper-body strength to combat my lack of lower body strength. I was still excercising my legs too, I had a motorized bike that my feet were strapped into and my legs moved. Too bad the weather was so cold, can’t use the pool, and mom was not too sure about the hot tub. They talked about enclosing the porch where the hot tub was. Nevertheless I got in the manual chair and was put into the whirlpool tub upstairs to soak…. That felt so good.
Every day that week I pushed myself to the limits just a little more. It was all fun and games till somebody pooped in the bathtub. “I told ya she was working the shit right out of me” I said while laughing.
Mom was trying not to laugh as she transferred me to the toilet to see if the rest would work it’s way out.
After sitting for a bit, Mom wheeled in a new torture device – the stander. Actually it was kinda cool. Basically it has some hand grips to grab onto; then I lean over the device; basically it is like bending forward at my hips. Mom got me cleaned up and into the shower. My trunk holds me up, cause my legs just dangled. Mom got me cleaned up and into the shower chair. I can basically wash myself entirely, except for my back.