So on August 12 I had a procedure to install a covered stent into my Aorta. This was done at Children’s hospital. Let me say that the experience there was totally different than at the adult university hospital.

They asked if I had a comfort item, which i did, my teddy bear Smoky (sorry Pooh is just too big). I was wheeled into the OR with Smoky beside me, and as I was being put under a nurse was talking to me and stroking my hand to keep me calm.

Everybody was so nice, patient and understanding.

I was in the ICU with kids of all ages, Once I woke up in the night to a nurse trying to take my tempature while i was sleeping. “I’m sorry we try not to wake patients… ya know babies you wake them you take them”

Seriously, parents having their infants and toddlers having to go through heart surgeries where they know that this likely will not be the last surgery they will have. I don’t know how my parents did it with my older brother having surgery at 7 months, and then open heart surgery at 7 (back in 1978). Then me when i was 12 in 1990. My coronary in 2021, this surgery again in 2022.

Some things that I know you are asking…
No I was not padded.
I go to the childrens hospital as I have a congenital heart defect, and that is where adults with these defects are followed up at.

I came through the procedure ok, my blood pressure is the lowest it has ever been, I am off 2 of my BP meds. Except for an allergic reaction from the contrast used with the cardiac catheterization all was good.

The incisions were right in the area that the bottom diaper tapes would have irritated, so it was a week of not wearing…. Not that i would have wanted to anyways, as I broke out in hives, and was black, blue and sore in that area.

My last post was kind of the low point in my life. I was spinning out. I had more days that i wanted to just pack my stuff that i had to have into my van, leaving room to sleep and just start driving off into the night with no destination or return.

I looked into getting a small trailer i could tow behind the minivan, and seriously was ready to drop the money on it.

My mood swings we far and wide. I needed help. I went to my family doctor who is also a mental health doctor… we talked for almost an hour and I started on two meds, which have helped calm me down. I try not to get myself worked up about small things, and just let it be what it be.

I have found that I am wearing more often, quite often it is 24/7 for weeks at a time with the rare day off.

In July I was able to go to CAPCon and see friends. I am happy to say that I did not come home with CoVid from there, I am in a small group for that. It was a blast and I am so glad I could attend. I probably spent more on things than i should have.

So after the whole teddycon debacle, I wanted to get away and do something for my little side, and it needed to be soon as i could.

So I planned a trip to Indianapolis to My Inner Baby for February 4th, got the day off work and everything.

The winter had been mild so far, but FUCK MY LIFE!! the one weekend I plan to do something and we get a foot of FUCKING SNOW!!! So not only am I not going to indiana, I’m probably not getting out of my damn driveway to do anything.

I seriously am beginning to feel that I am not meant to have any little time away from home, or I am not meant to ever get to be happy

So in 2020 after TeddyCon was cancelled for that year and we were refunded our money, 2021 tickets went on sale. Without hesitation I bought a ticket and got a hotel room booked.

Throughout 2021 I was ever so hopeful for this event, it was my goal I had to look forward to when i was having procedures and surgery. Then onto rehab, to be able to have the stamina to walk around the event and not tire out.

Then it all went to crap on August 28, 2021 when they announced that all attendees must have 2 covid vaccines. This set the whole community aflame and changed many from friends to enemies. The hosts of TeddyCon made it clear that there would be no exceptions for those who medically could not get the covid shot, and they would not be refunded either.

At that time I had not yet decided on if I was going to get the shots or not, in my research I had found many cases of cardiac related side effects, clotting and neurological issues. Remember I just had a major heart surgery not even 3 months prior where I had 2 coronaries that were 80% blocked, I have to take blood thinners and a whole host of blood pressure medications.

In the end I did get the two shots, against my better judgement, and under duress. I felt that the planners of TeddyCon basically strong-armed people into having a medical procedure done, for which nobody is liable for it’s outcome.

So when i got the first covid shot, i noticed a major migraine that i had for a couple days, then after the second one andother migraine. which brought issues with my vision. Now I don’t have perfect 20/20 without my glasses, and i sit and stare at computer screens for work. When all my vision in my right eye is ‘zoomed out’ and the image is pulled in, lines are wavy, etc… that got my attention.

Then 2 weeks prior to the event they up and cancel the event with what has been very little factual explanation, in fact they have not since the end of October.

The day I was supposed to be leaving for TeddyCon, I was instead getting an injection into my eyeball, yes a needle straight into the front of my eye. I still have to go back about every 6 to 8 weeks. The issue is I have small blood clots in my right eye that is strangling my bloodflow in my eye. I think this is a direct result of the Covid Vaccine… I did not have this issue prior to this.

So what has the TeddyCon organizers said since they cancelled the event??

They have offered up no further explanation other than they did not have enough volunteers…. which they never once said “hey we need some help here”. No Refunds (even partial) were offered, NOTHING!!

Their silence is speaking volumes.

In my eyes they stole from the community, and will never re-earn my trust.

If they were to come out today and say they have a new date and all my ticket funds would transfer over, I would still be hesitant to drive the 6+ hours to attend, but probably would JUST to see friends I have met over the years.

To say that the cancellation of the event was insignificant is a major understatement. It hurt my little side in ways that I cannot begin to fathom. Most days since the whole pandemic, i have been hanging on by a thread, and I wanted so badly to have a chance to get out and be with people like me.

It was probably a month before I got somewhere out of the funk that this all created, and i am still not out of it yet.

Finally in September of 2021, some 20 months after work sent us all home to work, we returned to the office, 2 to 3 days a week. You would come in, go to your cube, clean it down, setup your stuff, had to wear a mask anytime you were out of the cube, or visited.

That went on for months, then in may 2022 I caught the covid. yes I made it 2 years before getting it. Luckily it was not that bad, mainly because after my coronary bypass I started a regimen on Vitamin C, D3 and Zinc every day, I had one day i felt crummy, feverish, and the next day was just so tired, and then boom back to myself. My Doctor wanted me to go to the hospital an hour away at 9pm to get treatment, but i declined until the morning, and then i would see how i felt…. in the end I felt fine. Work told me to keep my ass home, and test before coming back.

Well obviously I did survive the open heart surgery, a couple may have seen an update photo, which for my privacy I did remove.

I woke up the night of my surgery, I think my first words were “where’s smokey”

My dad who knows nothing about my little side said “Who’s Smokey”
My mom said “His teddybear in his backpack”

Smokey became popular that week with people asking his name.

Throughout that first night I kept waking up asking what time it was, as I am totally blind without my glasses. I had a nurse that was in the room with me the entire time.

Around 6 am that next morning there was talk about getting me up in a chair. Out of bed!! Less than 24 hours ago, you all took a bone saw to my rib cage, spread my chest open, and stopped my heart to bypass 2 arteries, taking a donor one from my chest and one from my arm! Now you want me out of bed! There better be some incentive for that! We made a deal, I get some pain meds, and when they kick in, they can get me out of bed. It was so painful! In one fell swoop my legs swung over the side of the bed, one nurse behind to sit me up, another make sure i did not keep going. They got me up, I sat in a chair for about an hour before i wanted back in bed.

Later I got up again and was able to stay up longer, I got some food, but it was so hard to eat. I had IV’s in each hand, one in my neck too I think, my left arm wrapped up to my elbow, chest tubes, ECG leads, pacer wires, a catheter and a wound vac

Later that week when I had a different nurse, he said he heard me when they got me up. I really liked that male nurse. When you rely on others for the most basic things you loose all modesty. I was so swollen from the fluids that going to the bathroom was hard, the turtle was way back in its shell and had to be coaxed out. I cannot use a urinal in bed, i can barely use it on the side of the bed.

Lets now discuss the indiginity of having a male nurse put a suppository up your backside while standing, or have them wipe your ass because you cannot get both arms behind your back.

Having a drain tube taken out of your chest is a weird feeling, like taking a big plastic ribbed straw out of your chest. Pacer wires that when they come out cause your heart to skip rhythm

I literally did not see the scar on my chest until about 2 hours before i went home. I was in the hospital for 8 days I think.

It was almost a month before I was able to re-diaper up. The main reason was I literally could not lay in my bed and get back up, and twisting around hurt too much in my ribs.

I had great help from my family, mostly my mom in getting recovered. Here’s to hoping the rest of 2021 goes good.

Ugh, I think I slept all of maybe an hour since I went to bed. I need to get up, get a shower with the Hibiclens soap, then my mom, brother and his wife are leaving the house. Dad will follow.
I’m nervous, but know I am in good hands, but still I try to stay strong.. I got my bag packed up, CPAP packed up, and we’re hitting the road.
Brother just picked me up and we are on the way

January 2020

Started a new job at a call center in Hilliard, had another appointment with my cardiologist.

 

March 2020

The news has stirrings about this virus, many people are saying it is just like a bad cold.  Shouldn’t be too bad.

Work is asking people if they have high speed internet and if needed a place at home to work.

The Governor says that things need to close for 2 weeks.  If we all mask up and stay home for two weeks, we will all be better.  Another doctors appointment I think we are going to have to do more testing for this heart issue.

We are working at home for now. Work said it will just be a few weeks.

April, May, June……. December

Well that 2 weeks was awfully long, still working at home. My mental health is not doing good, but on the bright side I am making buttons about covid and shipping them out all across the country.  In November I bought a Cricut machine for black friday and started making decals and selling them on etsy as well

 

Fast forward to February/March 2021

In early 2021 I had a nuclear stress test, which I totally failed bigtime.  The next step was a heart cath.

I learned at my heart cath a couple things.  One, I am extremely allergic to IV Contrast.

I had the heart cath done on a Friday, Brudder came and got me from home that next day and we went to microcenter and the Chik-Fil-A.  Riding home it just felt like my whole crotch was so hot and sweaty.  I also felt my lips tingle too, thinking I might have a cold sore coming on, no biggie.   I get home and look and my entire diaper area is BRIGHT RED and itchy.

Sunday I went to urgent care, and they said “Oh it’s a yeast rash, like a diaper rash, take this oral medicine” Bitch I know what a diaper rash is, this isn’t it!

The next morning I still felt like my lips had swolen, my tounge felt funny, like it grew or my mouth shrunk.  I went to my family doctor.  He drew the blinds and had me drop my pants…. “Oh Boy! besides your groin does anything else feel weird”  I told him about my lips and my mouth…..  “Do you know how to use an epipen? We are going to learn today!”  I got a script for an epipen, steroids, and told that i had to load up on the Benedryl.

My cardiologist called me right as I left my doctors office, and i told them and she said she would make sure that this is on my profile.  My Heart cath showed that I had 80% blockages in 2 of my coronary arteries and would need surgery.

 

Are you keeping track, it is March 2021 here, and my company has been work from home since the previous March, though some have been in office the whole time as their job cannot be done remotely, and some have slowly began to trickle back to the office.

FRIDAY MARCH 7 1997

I was surfing the net when Shawn came online. We had some small talk, and then I mentioned that we should meet again. He suggested we meet on the 15th and that I spend that night at his house and that he would bring me back the next afternoon. He said that he was building a big baby crib, an he hoped that it would be done by the time I came up.I told my mom that my friend from Findlay wanted me to come up and spend the night. She was confused about the date, but I straightened her out. By the way, my mom does not know that Shawn is an AB or that I am into the baby clothes, bottles, and pacifiers. She knows that I like to wear diapers.

 

THE WEEK BEFORE OUR MEETING

I am very nervous, and cannot wait until Saturday. I dream every night what it would be like to be a baby full-time.

 

SATURDAY MARCH 15, 1997

I was nervous all day. At about 6:45 Shawn called and asked for exact directions to my dorm/apartment. He got most of the directions right, and arrived a little after 7:00 p.m. We loaded my laptop, and a limited amount of clothes up in his car. We stopped at Value City so that he could pick up some diapers, I choose to not go into the store with him, since somebody might recognize me cause I live in the collegetown. After buying diapers we were off to his house. The ride was about an hour long, and I was ready for a diaper when we got there. After setting all of my stuff down, we went upstairs and he changed me.He then put a onsie on me and a pair of snap crotch overalls on me. I look cute with them on. I then drank a bottle and played on the internet for about an hour and a half. It was about 10:00 and I had not had supper yet. We went upstairs and he changed me into a disposable diaper, and I got dressed. He changed too.

We ate at a truck stop, they have good portions for the price. I loaded up on soda pop, and wet my diaper when we got home. He changed me into another cloth diaper. I was dry the rest of the night. We went to bed at 1:00 in the morning. I woke up at 4:30 and played on the net. He woke up at about 5:00 and we played on the computer more. I went upstairs and changed my soaked diaper at about 9:00. We then went upstairs and took pictures of each other in different baby outfits and in out diapers. Before we left I changed my diapers again. We went back to Lima, and dropped our film off at Wal-mart one hour photo lab. My diaper was wet, and I had to wet some more. So I went into the bathroom at Wal-Mart and pulled down my pants and wet my diaper more. I could not leave it on as wet as it was, so I took it off in the bathroom and put it behind the toilet. When I came out Shawn was waiting for me. We then went to Captain D’s for lunch. While he was up ordering his meal I sat down, and then I noticed that he had a wet spot on the back of his pants.When I could I whispered to him that he leaked. He said that he knew.I took his ticket and waited for his meal while he went and changed. When he came out he asked me how big a spot there was, I said not that big, nobody probably even noticed. After we got done eating we shopped some and then went back to Wal-mart and he picked up the pictures. We got to the car and looked at them, they turned out great. Be looking for the new pictures IN COLOR on my photo gallery soon.

I wonder what the lab technician thought when she made those photos???

 

MONDAY March 31,1997

My roommate is moving out (yippeee). last night when he went to bed I left my web page open on my laptop and played the sound. He asked me why I had the Sesame Street theme song playing. I said that it was on a web page and told him it was my diaper web page. he asked to see, and I showed him the main page, and the picture gallery. he said that my pictures looked cute, and I thanked him. We started talking about diapers, the people I have met on the net and AOL. my friend Shawn and stuff. I told him that Shawn changed me and he sounded shocked. I also told him that I wet my diapers too.

I told him that I planned to go out and get some diapers tomorrow.

 

TUESDAY April 1

I woke up at 8:00 this morning and walked 2 blocks to wal-mart and bought diapers. I was nervous, but I told myself just to do it and get it done with.

After walking back to the dorm, I went in my room and dropped my backpack (I put the bag of diapers in there). I went and got some milk to drink. My roommate was still in bed, but I did not care. I laid down on the bed and took my underwear off and powdered myself with baby powder. I then took a diaper and un folded it and slid it under me. then I taped it up. If my roommate awoke during this process I do not know, nor do I care, he is cool with my diapers now.

When he woke up an hour later I made sure that I was laying on my bed in just a diaper and that my thumb was in my mouth. he smiled at me.

After Andy (he sleeps in the other BR) got in the shower I got up and wet my diaper; my roommate was still in the room; I then commented that it felt good to be wet. He said “you’re wet” “yep!” I then pulled on some underwear over my diaper (keeps the sound down) and my jeans.”See you can’t even notice that I am diapered” he replied “nope you can’t”

I went from 9:00 until noon in that wet diaper. I checked mail,check about jobs, checked my e-mail in the computer lab, ate lunch, etc. Then I went home and changed my soaked diaper, my roommate was in the room again, he did not seem to be bothered that a 19 year-old was changing a diaper in front of him.

I then waited until about 4:00 until I got diapered again, I stayed diapered until about 7:00 when I totally soaked my diaper, and took a shower.

 

MONDAY, May 12, 1997

I went over the the mail room to get my mail, hoping that I would get the package that my new AB friend had said he sent. I walked in and said my apartment number. The lady there said “I think you have a package.” I checked the package list and signed my name, I was so excited, it must have shown on my face.

I took my package back to my dorm and opened it up. I could not believe my eyes. Packed in the box were 3 adult sized cloth diapers,3 smaller diapers that I use for soakers, 1 pair of comoco plastic pants,1 pair of yellow printed plastic pants, 1 pair of yellow REAL RUBBER pants , 1 pair of snap sided Gerber pants, and a pair of Gerber pull-on pants.

I immediately took a diaper and soaker and put a diaper on, it felt great, but I had to get to a class, so I took it off.

 

FRIDAY, May 16, 1997

I will be coming home from college for the weekend, I have packed up my new diapers and plastic pants, and my onsie. After messing around for a bit, my mom and grandma came up to get me at college, and we left for home. My mom and I had doctor’s appointments, after that we went home and got ready to go out to eat. after eating and stuff I settled down for the night. At about 9:00 I diapered myself with a cloth diaper and put my printed plastic pants on. I was chatting until 9:30 with my friend that sent me the diapers. He had to go to work and I said that I would be back on at 11:00, and had set my alarm clock. Well I didn’t get up at 11:00, I woke up at 12:30, he was still on line.

While chatting I wet my diaper twice and then went back to bed.

It is Sunday 8:45 a.m. now. I am still in the same wet diaper as last night

 

Tuesday June 24, 1997

Today is the day that Jim flies in from California. Jim is another AB that I know from AOL, his screen name is jimi50. It was about 9 PM before he got to my place because he had gotten lost. To add to that, the parking lot back by my apartment was closed for re-paving so Jim could not drive back there.

After we loaded his car up with my stuff we went over to the hotel that we planned on staying at. We checked in and Jim changed my wet diaper that I had been wearing since 7:00 PM.

We then went out to eat at Perkins. After there we went back to our hotel room.

We looked at some things on the net, and I showed him some pictures from My town, and then we both were tired and ready for bed.

Jim laid out a really thick diaper and diapered me in it. He then put plastic pants on me, and my onsie. I grabbed my pacifier and sucked on it until Jim got my bottle ready. He tucked me in to bed and I sucked on my bottle until I went to sleep.

I am typing this at 7:00 a.m. on Wednesday morning.

 

Wednesday, 25 June 1997

Today Jim and I plan on going to Cedar Point Amusement park, hopefully everything goes OK today.

Before we left our hotel Jim Gave me an enema, I took ½ a quart, and held it for about 3 minutes. We then had breakfast before packing up and heading to Sandusky, the town Cedar point is in.

We got to Sandusky at about 12:30 and checked into a hotel and un packed. Jim went to wal-mart to get some disposable diapers for me to wear while we were at the amusement park. He diapered me up and we got in the car and headed to cedar point. We rode 3 water rides and got totally soaked. We dried off a little bit and I went in the bathroom to change my diaper. I decided that there was no place for me to lay down and re-diaper myself so I did not put a diaper back on.

Next we rode a mine ride, which the wait was not all that long. We then walked around and looked at some of the other roller coasters. I am not a roller coaster fan, and will NOT ride the big roller coasters like the Magnum, or anything that goes upside down.

Next we went to the dolphin show and watched them. We wanted to ride the space spiral, but there was a storm coming in and all the tall rides were shut down. So we decided to ride Disaster Transport (it is like Space Mountain), it was cool; most of the ride is in total darkness. By the way that ride is all inside. When we got back outside it was pouring down rain. When it stopped we decided that we should just go back to our hotel because the storm was a really bad storm.

when we got back to out hotel we changed. Jim got back in normal clothes, but I got in a diaper and shorts.

We went out to eat at Applebee’s; the food was ok. Towards the end of the meal I felt a rumbling in my lower tummy, I had to poop. I held it as long as I could and we were ready to leave so I told Jim that I was going to go outside and wait for him and mess my diaper.

I messed my diaper, but the mess was not normal poopy, it was explosive diarrhea, and I knew I would not be able to sit in the car with that big of a mess in my diaper. So I rushed back in to the building and went into the bathroom to take my diaper off.OH MY GOD!! was I a mess. I wiped pretty good seeing that the poop was the total width of my butt. I waited until everybody was out of the bathroom and then headed for the trashcan and put the diaper under some paper towels in the can. Then I washed my hands and left the building as fast as I could; I think some of the people knew something was going on because I got looked at weird. Maybe they smelled the messy diaper when I walked by them the first time.

We went back to our hotel and Jim cleaned me up and diapered me in cloth diapers for the night. He checked me twice through the night to see if I was wet, but was not.

 

Thursday, 26 June 1997

Today Jim and I will be going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, in Cleveland, Ohio.

The Hall of fame was GRRRRRRREAT!!! I did not know that Cleveland had so much to do with the history of rock and roll. The museum had a lot of stuff from the Hippie era. Lots of black lights throughout the place. There were 5 levels of the museum, and then there was a level that showed videos and pictures of artists that are in the hall of fame. The top level is a dark room with TV screens showing the pictures and a little bit about the artist. On the wall next to the screens the artists signatures are shown. I was not able to take pictures in the museum or the hall of fame, only at the plaza level and outside. I will try to post what pictures that I got when I get them developed.

We have stopped off for the night in Akron Ohio, That is about 20 miles north of canton. Tomorrow we will be going to the Pro Football Hall of fame, and then we will be going back to lima for Friday and night and then Jim will leave Saturday night or afternoon and go to Cleveland so that he will not miss his plane on Sunday.

FRIDAY AUGUST 16, 1996

Tonight I am at the Jaycees convention. I have been diapered since Midnight. I am wearing a diaper under my jeans to the party. I don’t think anybody noticed the bulge in my jeans or the sound the diaper made.If they did, Oh well. I want to tell mom about my pacifier and baby bottle, but am afraid to. I hope to go to K-mart tomorrow and get some attends and possibly a blanket sleeper.

I will wear a diaper to bed tonight

 

SATURDAY AUGUST 17, 1996

I woke up and wet my diaper right away. Mom knew I had a diaper on,but did not say too much.

I am going to K-mart soon

I am back from K-mart and I bought some Depends, and some cloth diapers and diaper pins. I saw some people I knew and had to avoid them too. I then went back to the room to change my now wet diaper. The cloth diapers are too small, I will use them as a diaper doubler. So I will use the depends. The Depends are Ok, but I don’t like the color

 

Friday August 30:

Shawn came down an picked me up to go to his house, I was really nervous. I was wearing a diaper on the way up, I was wet when we got there, I continued to wet and finally asked him to change me. I must say, it is a lot different than changing yourself, I loved it. He then dressed me in a onesie, I liked that.

He asked me if I wanted to be fed, I said yes. He made a bottle with grape juice in in and got a pillow, I laid down on his lap on top of the pillow and he fed me from the bottle. I liked this, and hope someday I can find another AB or a Daddy.

We talked about computers and stuff, and looked at pics, he helped me with my video driver, now my pics look COOL.

We changed our clothes, we both put on Blanket sleepers, I like wearing it. We ordered Pizza. We then got ready for bed at 1:00 a.m. Shawn was too tired to change me so I changed myself.

It was kinda hard to sleep, but I got to sleep at about 1:30 and only woke up twice during the night.

 

SATURDAY AUGUST 31

I woke up at about 7:30 and started to type last night’s diary entry. I have to pee now, so I wet in my diaper, I hope it holds I drank a lot last night. Shawn diapered me in a cloth diaper, It was neat, I wet it and then re-diapered in a disposable. We then went for brunch at Long John Silver’s. We went back to the apartment and decided to watch a movie on TV, We then went to a movie Theater an watched Jack with Robin Williams. We came back, I was wet, I changed and put my blanket sleeper on, and am now typing this.

 

FRIDAY NOVEMBER 15 1996

Mom came and picked me up from college. We were going to the Jaycees convention in Dayton Ohio. My mom had told me not to bring any diapers along, but I did. I took my footed sleeper, 4 attends large diapers, my pacifier. I had looked up another AB from AOL. After my mom went down to the party, I got out my diapers, sleeper, and pacifier. I got myself ready for bed and went to nite nite.

 

SATURDAY NOVEMBER 16

When I woke up the next morning my mom did not say too much, she knew I was diapered, she just didn’t care. I wet my diaper, then changed,all of this in from of my mom. I got online, and talked to my AB friend and we met at the hotel and then went to the mall to talk. After a few hours we went to the baby Superstore. I wanted to get a pacifier. I got a Gerber NUK size 3 pacifier. I love this pacifier.

That night I diapered myself again, and wore the sleeper.

I hope to add to this more and more, but it is hard to do this in private.