So on August 12 I had a procedure to install a covered stent into my Aorta. This was done at Children’s hospital. Let me say that the experience there was totally different than at the adult university hospital.

They asked if I had a comfort item, which i did, my teddy bear Smoky (sorry Pooh is just too big). I was wheeled into the OR with Smoky beside me, and as I was being put under a nurse was talking to me and stroking my hand to keep me calm.

Everybody was so nice, patient and understanding.

I was in the ICU with kids of all ages, Once I woke up in the night to a nurse trying to take my tempature while i was sleeping. “I’m sorry we try not to wake patients… ya know babies you wake them you take them”

Seriously, parents having their infants and toddlers having to go through heart surgeries where they know that this likely will not be the last surgery they will have. I don’t know how my parents did it with my older brother having surgery at 7 months, and then open heart surgery at 7 (back in 1978). Then me when i was 12 in 1990. My coronary in 2021, this surgery again in 2022.

Some things that I know you are asking…
No I was not padded.
I go to the childrens hospital as I have a congenital heart defect, and that is where adults with these defects are followed up at.

I came through the procedure ok, my blood pressure is the lowest it has ever been, I am off 2 of my BP meds. Except for an allergic reaction from the contrast used with the cardiac catheterization all was good.

The incisions were right in the area that the bottom diaper tapes would have irritated, so it was a week of not wearing…. Not that i would have wanted to anyways, as I broke out in hives, and was black, blue and sore in that area.

My last post was kind of the low point in my life. I was spinning out. I had more days that i wanted to just pack my stuff that i had to have into my van, leaving room to sleep and just start driving off into the night with no destination or return.

I looked into getting a small trailer i could tow behind the minivan, and seriously was ready to drop the money on it.

My mood swings we far and wide. I needed help. I went to my family doctor who is also a mental health doctor… we talked for almost an hour and I started on two meds, which have helped calm me down. I try not to get myself worked up about small things, and just let it be what it be.

I have found that I am wearing more often, quite often it is 24/7 for weeks at a time with the rare day off.

In July I was able to go to CAPCon and see friends. I am happy to say that I did not come home with CoVid from there, I am in a small group for that. It was a blast and I am so glad I could attend. I probably spent more on things than i should have.

So after the whole teddycon debacle, I wanted to get away and do something for my little side, and it needed to be soon as i could.

So I planned a trip to Indianapolis to My Inner Baby for February 4th, got the day off work and everything.

The winter had been mild so far, but FUCK MY LIFE!! the one weekend I plan to do something and we get a foot of FUCKING SNOW!!! So not only am I not going to indiana, I’m probably not getting out of my damn driveway to do anything.

I seriously am beginning to feel that I am not meant to have any little time away from home, or I am not meant to ever get to be happy

So in 2020 after TeddyCon was cancelled for that year and we were refunded our money, 2021 tickets went on sale. Without hesitation I bought a ticket and got a hotel room booked.

Throughout 2021 I was ever so hopeful for this event, it was my goal I had to look forward to when i was having procedures and surgery. Then onto rehab, to be able to have the stamina to walk around the event and not tire out.

Then it all went to crap on August 28, 2021 when they announced that all attendees must have 2 covid vaccines. This set the whole community aflame and changed many from friends to enemies. The hosts of TeddyCon made it clear that there would be no exceptions for those who medically could not get the covid shot, and they would not be refunded either.

At that time I had not yet decided on if I was going to get the shots or not, in my research I had found many cases of cardiac related side effects, clotting and neurological issues. Remember I just had a major heart surgery not even 3 months prior where I had 2 coronaries that were 80% blocked, I have to take blood thinners and a whole host of blood pressure medications.

In the end I did get the two shots, against my better judgement, and under duress. I felt that the planners of TeddyCon basically strong-armed people into having a medical procedure done, for which nobody is liable for it’s outcome.

So when i got the first covid shot, i noticed a major migraine that i had for a couple days, then after the second one andother migraine. which brought issues with my vision. Now I don’t have perfect 20/20 without my glasses, and i sit and stare at computer screens for work. When all my vision in my right eye is ‘zoomed out’ and the image is pulled in, lines are wavy, etc… that got my attention.

Then 2 weeks prior to the event they up and cancel the event with what has been very little factual explanation, in fact they have not since the end of October.

The day I was supposed to be leaving for TeddyCon, I was instead getting an injection into my eyeball, yes a needle straight into the front of my eye. I still have to go back about every 6 to 8 weeks. The issue is I have small blood clots in my right eye that is strangling my bloodflow in my eye. I think this is a direct result of the Covid Vaccine… I did not have this issue prior to this.

So what has the TeddyCon organizers said since they cancelled the event??

They have offered up no further explanation other than they did not have enough volunteers…. which they never once said “hey we need some help here”. No Refunds (even partial) were offered, NOTHING!!

Their silence is speaking volumes.

In my eyes they stole from the community, and will never re-earn my trust.

If they were to come out today and say they have a new date and all my ticket funds would transfer over, I would still be hesitant to drive the 6+ hours to attend, but probably would JUST to see friends I have met over the years.

To say that the cancellation of the event was insignificant is a major understatement. It hurt my little side in ways that I cannot begin to fathom. Most days since the whole pandemic, i have been hanging on by a thread, and I wanted so badly to have a chance to get out and be with people like me.

It was probably a month before I got somewhere out of the funk that this all created, and i am still not out of it yet.

Finally in September of 2021, some 20 months after work sent us all home to work, we returned to the office, 2 to 3 days a week. You would come in, go to your cube, clean it down, setup your stuff, had to wear a mask anytime you were out of the cube, or visited.

That went on for months, then in may 2022 I caught the covid. yes I made it 2 years before getting it. Luckily it was not that bad, mainly because after my coronary bypass I started a regimen on Vitamin C, D3 and Zinc every day, I had one day i felt crummy, feverish, and the next day was just so tired, and then boom back to myself. My Doctor wanted me to go to the hospital an hour away at 9pm to get treatment, but i declined until the morning, and then i would see how i felt…. in the end I felt fine. Work told me to keep my ass home, and test before coming back.

Well obviously I did survive the open heart surgery, a couple may have seen an update photo, which for my privacy I did remove.

I woke up the night of my surgery, I think my first words were “where’s smokey”

My dad who knows nothing about my little side said “Who’s Smokey”
My mom said “His teddybear in his backpack”

Smokey became popular that week with people asking his name.

Throughout that first night I kept waking up asking what time it was, as I am totally blind without my glasses. I had a nurse that was in the room with me the entire time.

Around 6 am that next morning there was talk about getting me up in a chair. Out of bed!! Less than 24 hours ago, you all took a bone saw to my rib cage, spread my chest open, and stopped my heart to bypass 2 arteries, taking a donor one from my chest and one from my arm! Now you want me out of bed! There better be some incentive for that! We made a deal, I get some pain meds, and when they kick in, they can get me out of bed. It was so painful! In one fell swoop my legs swung over the side of the bed, one nurse behind to sit me up, another make sure i did not keep going. They got me up, I sat in a chair for about an hour before i wanted back in bed.

Later I got up again and was able to stay up longer, I got some food, but it was so hard to eat. I had IV’s in each hand, one in my neck too I think, my left arm wrapped up to my elbow, chest tubes, ECG leads, pacer wires, a catheter and a wound vac

Later that week when I had a different nurse, he said he heard me when they got me up. I really liked that male nurse. When you rely on others for the most basic things you loose all modesty. I was so swollen from the fluids that going to the bathroom was hard, the turtle was way back in its shell and had to be coaxed out. I cannot use a urinal in bed, i can barely use it on the side of the bed.

Lets now discuss the indiginity of having a male nurse put a suppository up your backside while standing, or have them wipe your ass because you cannot get both arms behind your back.

Having a drain tube taken out of your chest is a weird feeling, like taking a big plastic ribbed straw out of your chest. Pacer wires that when they come out cause your heart to skip rhythm

I literally did not see the scar on my chest until about 2 hours before i went home. I was in the hospital for 8 days I think.

It was almost a month before I was able to re-diaper up. The main reason was I literally could not lay in my bed and get back up, and twisting around hurt too much in my ribs.

I had great help from my family, mostly my mom in getting recovered. Here’s to hoping the rest of 2021 goes good.

Ugh, I think I slept all of maybe an hour since I went to bed. I need to get up, get a shower with the Hibiclens soap, then my mom, brother and his wife are leaving the house. Dad will follow.
I’m nervous, but know I am in good hands, but still I try to stay strong.. I got my bag packed up, CPAP packed up, and we’re hitting the road.
Brother just picked me up and we are on the way

On Wednesday, June 9th I will be having open heart surgery at the OSU Ross heart hospital. I will try to have somebody update this if i cannot, but it may be a few days.

January 2020

Started a new job at a call center in Hilliard, had another appointment with my cardiologist.

 

March 2020

The news has stirrings about this virus, many people are saying it is just like a bad cold.  Shouldn’t be too bad.

Work is asking people if they have high speed internet and if needed a place at home to work.

The Governor says that things need to close for 2 weeks.  If we all mask up and stay home for two weeks, we will all be better.  Another doctors appointment I think we are going to have to do more testing for this heart issue.

We are working at home for now. Work said it will just be a few weeks.

April, May, June……. December

Well that 2 weeks was awfully long, still working at home. My mental health is not doing good, but on the bright side I am making buttons about covid and shipping them out all across the country.  In November I bought a Cricut machine for black friday and started making decals and selling them on etsy as well

 

Fast forward to February/March 2021

In early 2021 I had a nuclear stress test, which I totally failed bigtime.  The next step was a heart cath.

I learned at my heart cath a couple things.  One, I am extremely allergic to IV Contrast.

I had the heart cath done on a Friday, Brudder came and got me from home that next day and we went to microcenter and the Chik-Fil-A.  Riding home it just felt like my whole crotch was so hot and sweaty.  I also felt my lips tingle too, thinking I might have a cold sore coming on, no biggie.   I get home and look and my entire diaper area is BRIGHT RED and itchy.

Sunday I went to urgent care, and they said “Oh it’s a yeast rash, like a diaper rash, take this oral medicine” Bitch I know what a diaper rash is, this isn’t it!

The next morning I still felt like my lips had swolen, my tounge felt funny, like it grew or my mouth shrunk.  I went to my family doctor.  He drew the blinds and had me drop my pants…. “Oh Boy! besides your groin does anything else feel weird”  I told him about my lips and my mouth…..  “Do you know how to use an epipen? We are going to learn today!”  I got a script for an epipen, steroids, and told that i had to load up on the Benedryl.

My cardiologist called me right as I left my doctors office, and i told them and she said she would make sure that this is on my profile.  My Heart cath showed that I had 80% blockages in 2 of my coronary arteries and would need surgery.

 

Are you keeping track, it is March 2021 here, and my company has been work from home since the previous March, though some have been in office the whole time as their job cannot be done remotely, and some have slowly began to trickle back to the office.

Being out of work has been nice, I had the supposed freedom to travel and make my schedule.

Since March of 2019 I have…

• Went to CAPCon
• Drove from Ohio to the Rocky Mountain National park, the Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, and then to Mount Rushmore before coming back home.
• Went to TeddyCon
• Went to the Columbus Zoo several times
• Shot tons of photos
• Taken several road trips as well
• Had the time to spend with my niece and nephew, brother and both parents.

Now it is late December and I need to catch up on what has been happening

In September my brother finally got a much needed heart valve replacement. Both of us have congenital heart defects, each are different. During the time in the waiting room word got out that I too had a heart defect, which I had not followed up with any of the cardiologists at Children’s Hospital in many years (like 20). So that set the wheels in motion for myself to get appointments with the cardiologist and get additional testing.

My first appointment I had a EKG and Echo in addition to meeting the doctor and going over some things. I was sent home with a 24 hour heart monitor along with future appointments.

Remember I said I was unemployed… well I had insurance through the end of 2019, so many of these appointments and testing are being done against that deadline.

The next test was 2 MRI’s with contrast of my head and heart. If you have ever had an MRI you know that they take forever, so 2 in a row takes even longer. Now I am on medication that is a diuretic, so in the mornings I have to pee about every 30 minutes… This is NOT going to be conducive to being stuck in a MRI machine for 3 hours while being pumped full of fluids.

I have a solution for this! Do you know what it is?

So the day of the test comes, I have laid out a plain white Babypants onsie (because it has plastic snaps) and a pair of Reebok pants. I diapered up to the inquiry of my mother “Why are you wearing those things to the hospital” (‘those things’ meaning my diapers). I told her flat out “Because I can, I’m an adult and can wear what I like”

That ended the conversation. I packed a diaper bag up, because i knew i would need a change. I walked around the hospital in just the above attire, I could hear my diaper crinkle, i know it looked like I had one on too. I just don’t care.

I was brave and didn’t cry when they stuck the needle in my arm, even though it really hurt. I made it about 3/4 of the way through the tests and just could not hold it anymore and wet my diaper.

I had to take my onsie off because they have to put all sorts of EKG leads on me, but she let me leave my pants on. I am not sure if she knew i was diapered or not. I am also not sure if this is now in my file that I may have incontinence issues. I guess if it ever comes up I plan on just saying that I have some issues, I am dealing with them the way I want to and don’t want to go further with it.

I had another appointment on December 18 for a stress test and appointment with the doctor. Wore jeans, onsie, t-shirt and diaper this time, but changed into my Reebok pants and just a t-shirt before the stress test. I had to do the stress test topless, so no clue if it was obvious that I was diapered or not. Still just don’t care. Was still in Reebok pants and t-shirt when the doctor came in too.

The doctor said that they may want to do more testing, invasive testing like a heart catheterization to check out the insides of my vessels and see if they may need to in the future revise the graft/patch that is on my aorta. I have already made the decision that if I have to have more testing or surgery done that I am going to wear diapers. Again, I just don’t care; my diapers keep me calm and mentally stable.

I have been tossing around the idea of wearing at my new job, but am unsure as I will have to wear dress pants and dress shirts. I am just not sure if I want the added hassle and stress of being in diapers while working a job that I cannot afford to loose. I have been wearing diapers pretty often since the first of December to the pizza place and practically 24/7… so I don’t know.

This was asked of me by my mom last night.

While my mom is aware of my ABDL side, she does not participate in any way.

So back to the question that was posed to me…..What do you want for Christmas?

Well I’d really love to get rid of the bed that i have that takes darn near my entire bedroom. I’d love to replace it with a crib with a twin sized mattress. I’d love to have a changing table where i can get changed without having my stuffies in the way and without having to get my dirty shoes on the sheets.

Honestly, my room is too small for the changing table, but I’d love to wake up in a crib. Just opening my eyes and looking through those bars.

I’d also like to paint my room a lighter shade of blue than it currently is.

At the end of the day those are simply wishes that may never come true for me, there’s the cost, then the logistics of getting something like that.

Have a Merry Christmas, and any other holiday that you celebrate.