Chapter 20 – two babies in the house

Jackie now had 2 people to change each day.  The level of Sam’s spina bifida effected his bowels and bladder, and causes him to have problems walking long distances, and he does have a noticeable wobble when he walks.  He had asked early on if I too had to wear diapers, and I was honest with him that I did have to wear diapers too. I also told him how I ended up in a wheelchair.  We had decided to keep him in the school district that he was currently going to for that year, and then move him to the one near our house.

His first week of the new school in the the fall of 2003 was rough.  He has not yet mastered the art of changing himself, so he needed help; which the school had to find somebody, since they did not have a full-time nurse there.  We made sure a week before school started that they had somebody, and had taken a stock of diapers and supplies into them.

One day during the second week, I got a call from the school saying that Sam was in the nurses office and wanted to come home.  I got to the school and found Sam in the nurses’ office; he obviously had been crying.  “Hey bud, what’s wrong?”

“I had a accident, and it was stinky, everybody laughed at me.  Daddy, I don’t want to go back” He said crying again.

Obviously his teacher needed to do a better job of controlling the classroom.

“aww buddy, I’m sorry you had an accident, they do happen, but daddy and mommy will try to make them not happen much.  Maybe we could explain to your classmates why it happened, and that you don’t have control.” He just wanted to go home and be with daddy.

That day I gave in and let him go home for the day, after I talked to his teacher and the principal, and we both planned to go back the next day.  The next morning came and Sam did not want to go, but after plenty of re-assuring I got him ready for school.

The plan was to take him into school, and I was going to wait for awhile till his teacher was ready for me to come in.  As soon as I dropped him off at school, he went in.  I was a few minutes behind cause I had to get out of the drivers seat to my chair.

By the time I got to his class room, I could hear a few kids laughing and going “Sam wears diapers like a baby”  I could hear the teacher trying to quiet the class down.  I rolled into the room and the teasing stopped.  I guess some of these kids never saw somebody in a wheelchair before.

“Class, we have a special guest this morning. This is Mr. Ross, Sam’s dad.  He wants to talk to you all about how some people are different, and that it is not nice to tease them”  The teacher said

“Good morning, my name is Mr. Ross, but you can call be Jayson.  I bet you are wondering why I use this chair, well that is because my legs don’t work.  I got hurt really bad when I was younger and now my legs can’t work.  That makes me different, do any of you have anything that makes you different?”  A kid put his hand up and talked about his glasses “That’s right, glasses make you different.  But being different is not bad, or something to be ashamed of, or something to tease somebody for; that is not nice.”

One little kid put his hand up and said “Sam wears diapers, and my mom said that diapers are for babies. Does that mean that Sam is a baby since he wears diapers”

“Well yes, babies do wear diapers, but diapers come in all sizes, and not just babies have to wear diapers.  A baby wears a diaper cause they don’t know when they need to go to the bathroom; they have not learned what it feels like when they need to go.  Those feelings happen because of nerves, but sometimes, when we are born, or when we’ve gotten hurt, especially on our back, these nerves are broken and don’t work.  When that happens the person can’t feel things that happen.  Like I cannot feel when somebody touches my leg, or if I were to bang my knee on a table leg.  Sam was born with some nerves in his back broken, so he cannot feel when he needs to go to the bathroom, so that is why he has to wear a diaper.” I continued

“Differences come in many different ways, some people are blind and cannot see things, others are deaf, and cannot hear things, some people are born not able to walk, some cannot talk.  They all make the best of what they can do, not what they can’t”

I should have anticipated this next one, I really should have, this little kid Tyler had a question…. “Mr Jayson, since you can’t walk cause your back was hurt, do you wear diapers”  This kid must be on the fast track for the gifted program.

My face got a little red, but I answered honestly;  “yes, Tyler, I do have to wear diapers”

I think the teacher just spit coffee through her nose. “ok, class, are there any more questions? Mr Ross has to be going”

That was the last Sam told me about teasing.

During the first year or so that we had Sam, I had kept the baby room on the down-low. We had a lock on the door already.  I did not want him to know about it; it was rough enough him knowing that his dad was a diaper-wearer as well.

Eventually somehow he found out about the nursery; somebody left the door unlocked. I tried to explain it the best that I could to a 7-8 year old.

The baby room, was my undoing…  one day I took him to the office with me and he blurted out “my daddy sleeps in a crib in a baby room”  My clients looked at me.  I looked at Sam,  “well I guess somebody needs to learn what a secret is”  If looks could kill, he’d of been dead.

After explaining to my client that I was not some mentally deranged person, and coming clean about how I lived for the last 8+ years, they already knew I had to wear diapers, I mean it is hard to hide it sometimes.

That night when Jackie got home we had a laugh “well  it is your fault, you told him.  I said you should have stopped the crib and baby thing when we adopted him.  At least till he was older.” Jackie said

“I know, it is my fault. I am telling you the look on the boss’s face was amazing, where was the camera when I needed it”

Sam’s next question was not one I wanted to hear, but figured it would happen…

“dad, can I have a crib and a baby room too”  Granted he still had a toddler bed, cause he was small, with rails on it, so it was not far removed from a crib.

I mean what the hell am I supposed to say!!  “mommy and I will have to think about that”  well that shall buy me some time.  Jackie was none too keen on the idea, as neither was I.

I wanted him to grow up with as normal of a life as he could.  We mulled it over for the next two days.  Trying to figure out what to do.  We decided that if he really wanted a crib, we would allow him to use the one in the baby room; but his use of it would be limited, to the weekends, and special times. He already had other baby things like sippy cups, a changing table still, and my aunt and mom were still doing the clothing, so he always had onsies and sleepers.

I had not used the baby room that much in the last few years, because it would have been hard to explain why daddy and mommy didn’t share a room.

We left his bed still up the way it was, and hopefully using the crib in the baby room would hold his want for a crib of his own off for at least a year, maybe he will outgrow it. Thank God that he decided after a few times of sleeping in the baby room, that he did not like it.

After that summer, things changed.  We expanded the house a little more, and made a larger bedroom in the basement, and Jackie moved in with My Parents and I.  I was able to take care of myself in every way, though it was harder.  I could change my diapers, but it would take me 3 times as long as it would take mom or Jackie to do it.  I would have to roll side to side, and they would just roll my butt up on my back like you would change a regular baby.

On the times when Jackie was home, she would take care of me and other times it was mom or dad.  I got more into the baby life; mainly cause Jackie allowed me to.  At home with her, I was her little Jay.

Life went like that for about 3 years, when I was 23. At that time my parents were both to the point in their jobs that they could retire, and they wanted to get on with that.  I was used to mom being around the house along with either grandma (who had moved closer) or Aunt Sharon from across the street every day, but dad being around the house….  The first week I decided, He’s got to go!!

My mom decided that my Grandma and Aunt Sharon could handle the sewing business and they moved the workshop to Aunt Sharon’s across the street.  Mom and dad bought an RV (they got a wheelchair lift also, but would not let me drive), and their plan was to travel around the country stopping off at RV parks and campgrounds along the way.

Mom, dad and Jackie all took classes to learn how to drive that thing, but dad refused to get hand controls so I could drive, oh well.  Mom and dad went out for a month, calling and checking in about every other day.

I got my first cell phone, big ugly and clunky, but I was able to keep in touch with Jackie and mom and dad.  I got a job as a part time web designer and graphics layout person at a local tech company.  Jackie’s and my schedules worked out great too.

She would get me up and changed and cleaned up in the morning and then dressed for work,  while I was making breakfast she would get ready for work, then I would take her to work, and then go to my job.  We coordinated our lunches, so that I would meet her at the hospital for lunch.  The food is pretty good, as long as you are not a patient, LOL.  I always took a 2 hour lunch, since I only worked 6 hours a day anyways.  I worked 8 to 11 then 1 to 4, sometimes 5.

For Christmas that year I had saved up enough money to get some nice presents for Jackie and my parents and myself…  I got myself a new laptop, and got one for mom and dad too.  For Jackie I got her and I a vacation getaway in the great smoky mountains.  I had checked the place out and it was going to be great.  Mom and Dad pulled the van down behind the RV and we rode in the RV on the way down.

As a surprise after our trip mom and dad got us all a vacation to Disney world.  Mom and dad had gotten a place at a resort RV park where the Disney shuttle would pick us up at each day and we would go to the parks.  We got there early in the morning, after dad setup the RV we went to IHOP for breakfast.  When we came back there was a camper next to our’s  “oh just great, renters” dad said

“renters?” I asked

“yeah these people rent RV’s and think they know what they are doing and are usually not living the RV’ers code, like keeping quiet after certain hours.  Well let’s go welcome them”  We went to the RV next door and dad knocked on the door; and who should appear, but a 18 year old Jake in a onsie and diaper.

“ha ha surprised ya” Jake said while putting some shorts on. “that was all a surprise to you, we all had kept it hidden from you, happy 24^th  birthday jay”

“What do you mean you been keeping this all hidden?” I asked

“Well for the last month and a half, we  all have been planning behind your back.  I know that for the last year or two you wanted to go to Disney and the other parks.” Mom said

That week was so fun, Jake decided to go baby that week and used a large stroller, myself in my powered chariot.  The staff at Disney made sure that 2 diapered boys had all they needed.  They had nice special needs changing rooms, and we saw several other kids in diapers. We got to the front of lines for the rides.  I didn’t want that week to end.

Jackie and I went back home and I worked on my next surprise for her for Valentines day….  I got a ring and asked for her hand in marriage.  We were married that summer with just our families there.  Jake stood up with me as my Best Man.

Jake went off to college that fall, he decided to be a ‘big boy’ at college, but I still saw the diaper pail being emptied out into the outdoor garbage Sunday night from time to time.

Next stop, kids.  We tried for sometime, but I was not able to “get it up” so we tried the artificial insemination route, but that too failed.  In early 2002, we decided to not try anymore.   Instead we were going to try to adopt.  Hitting every road block due to my disability (that is why there is a problem with kids needing adopted).  We went back and forth for about 6 months, and it was causing my wife horrible torment, cause we both wanted a child very badly.

One day shortly after Halloween in 2002, I was watching the news and they were talking about older children needing a good home.  We had been trying to adopt an infant, but the thought of an older child was fine as well.  We contacted the agency, and met a 7 year old who had spina bifida.  Samuel  had been bounced around foster care for the last 5 years, his mother turned to drugs shortly after he was born, and had lost all parental rights.

He came to Thanksgiving that year, and shortly before Christmas, we got him as a foster kid.  It took about 6 months, but we did legally adopt Sam. I had used an old friend from high school, Matt to help with the legal legwork, in trade for my IT and web services.

I knew that Sam had a rough time so far in life, and he would have issues with other kids, due to his need of diapers, and being in a wheelchair sometimes too.  I was determined to make sure his life was the best I could do.  We got him into physical therapy, occupational therapy, and to get new  braces, crutches and a wheelchair custom made for him, and not hand-me-downs.

I helped him with his therapy, we would work out together when he did not have appointments, and there were a lot of appointments that we had to catch up on. We quickly made up for lost therapy time, and it allowed me to be able to grow a bond with him.

Chapter 18 – Free at last from that dang back brace!

One day in late September, Jackie came over right after work and Jake and I were in the basement playing Video games, which is what we usually do when he gets home from school, or is not at school “oh boy there Jay, you’re a stinky little boy”

“Not I, my shit don’t stink!” I said

“OK, then it must be Jake” Jackie said

Jake started blushing and trying to act all cool  “what”

“come on jake I’ll change your diaper.  We need to get packed up for going to Kings Island”  Jackie walked away guiding Jake with one hand and pinching her nose for dramatics with the other.

The kings island trip was kind of like a gift to me, I had finally been cleared by the doctors to take my big back brace off all the time. They said I could go to an amusement park, and that my back should handle most of the rides, but were not recommending it.  I was told to stay off rides that might jerk me hard side to side.

“how did you know I had a diaper on?”  Jake asked  “Jay told you didn’t he”  He was getting mad, cause the diaper thing was a private thing to him; me too to a lesser extent.

“No Jacob, I can tell” This worried Jake cause he thought nobody could tell he wore them  “mainly cause I am used to seeing kids and people in diapers and I know what to look for.  Plus I have been seeing different diapers in the diaper pail too”

“You don’t think it is wrong?  I mean I actually have a baby room like Jay does at my house”

“absolutely not, what you do that makes you happy is good.  You are not hurting anybody.  OK, All done, now go send Jay in”  she got me in her claws and diapered me up; we loaded the van and we were off. Jake was diapered up the whole way down, and Jackie informed him that he would wear to the park as well.  She would have let him be a big boy if he had protested (I think).

We stayed at the Great Wolf Lodge, they had a wonderful tree house suite, luckily I was able to get around the suite too.   The next morning we went to the park and had a blast.

“Hey I guess this chair does have some advantages after all” I commented after getting to the head of the line for a ride. I was really scared, cause with no ability to move my legs, would they just go flailing about?  I found out that they secure my legs to the ride if it is one where they might go flailing about, cause they can twist and turn directions they should not turn.

Jackie had fun changing diapers, though we did not care for where it was done at.  The only place where I could be changed that Jackie could go was the bathroom in the Daycare center at the park.

By about 7pm I was getting that BEEP BEEP BEEP from my chair. “dang it!”

“What?” Jackie asked

“Low battery” Jake said, “lets find a show and sit down, maybe he can get a jumpstart.  We found a ice show in the theater and Jackie got me plugged in for that hour.

“Ok that was a little bit better, that should buy us an hour or so.  Unless you want to go get my manual chair and push me.” I said to Jackie

“why don’t we just relax, see one of the night shows, you are not the one who has been walking around all day”

“Ok, I am getting tired too” I said as we stopped off along side the large fountain area and I plugged in at a light pole.  I was awoken from my little catnap by a large boom.  I am certain I jumped so much that I probably pissed and shit myself.

Jackie and Jake were laughing at me “aww did the boom scare the little baby” Jake said

“Hey watch who you call a baby, I seem to recall changing somebody’s poopy diaper today” Jackie said

“Hey, where did you get those at?” Pointing to the souvenirs

“we left you sleeping here and ran into the store.  Matt from town saw us here and said we could leave you and he would watch you” Jackie said “Matt goes to UC, he is a law student”

“that’s cool, what you get me?”

“Nothing” Jake said and stuck his tongue out

“No fair”, I said pouting; knowing full well they got me something.  They had gotten me a big teddy bear that said Kings Island  “OK, lets get going, I am tired, probably need to be changed too.

I barely remember much after I was laid on the bed and Jackie started changing my diaper.  That night I had a dream again about the crash, and woke up crying like a baby; but Jackie was there to comfort me.

The next day, Jackie took the lead and claimed herself “DRIVER”.  I mean how can I race her to the van, plus she hates me driving like a little ol lady.  We went to the outlet mall in Jeffersonville, she got some clothes for herself and jake and I went shopping, but did not find much.  It is hard for me to shop for clothes, I mean I can’t very well tell how something fits when I am sitting down.  I got some printed shirts, some sunglasses.  I thought Jake was going to die when I rolled to the underwear section and said “what are these?  They sure are not absorbent like our diapers.”   The girl behind the counter just about died laughing

“I’m so sorry, just having a little fun, hey sometimes ya gotta poke fun at yourself.  I’m a little wound up, too much sugar, not enough activity to burn it off”

She smiled and said “I guess so. So if I might ask, did you say you wear diapers?”

“yeah, I was in a car accident over a year ago, that is what landed me in this wonderful ride”

“I’m so sorry for laughing.  It must be tough for that to happen”

“eh, yeah it was tough to get used to, but as they say for every door that closes a new one opens up; you just gotta hope it is an automatic door.  I take each day as another gift, cause you never know when the giving stops.  If it were not for my accident, I would have never met my Girlfriend, or done a lot of things.”   Just about then Jackie found us, and we paid and left

“OK, where to next?” Jackie asked

“Yellow Springs”  I said  I wanted to go through some of the shops, if I could.  That town is not all the most accessible place, but most of it is.  I decided to go with the manual chair cause it is easier to get up over curbs.  The only store I could not go into was the one I wanted to.  So as Jackie and Jake were  coming to the door with stuff, the big burly guy who was running the shop came out.

“do you want to come in, you may be able to come in the back door”  He said.

I rolled around to the back and he had a stockroom door with a metal ramp.  Thank God I could get through the stock room.  I got a hemp necklace, some incense.  Jackie brought me a few air fresheners…. I smelled them, baby powder scent, LOL.

Soon enough we were off to the whole reason anybody goes to Yellow Springs, Youngs Dairy.  Jackie was gonna have a fun mess to clean up from this ice cream.  I got the largest sundae that they make and ate it all.  Good thing Jackie brought one of the huge baby bibs for me, cause I was a mess.

“Oh my god! How can you put all that ice cream away?” Jackie said disgusted at me

“it’s so yummy, want some?”  She declined.  After I finished, she came up behind me and was messing around in the bag….  She pulled out a baby wipe and reached around and was cleaning my face off like a toddler, then she did my hands.  Thank god we were not in the dining room inside!

“There ! Mommy’s little boy is all cleaned up now” and she kissed me on the cheek

That weekend started a new level in our relationship,  It was never a sexual relationship, cause sadly when the feeling went away, so did “mr happy” standing at attention.  The best way to describe it was Jackie was my mommy as the Adult baby community called it.  I think she liked it, being an only child, and never having little brothers and sisters to take care of, and now that she works at the hospital in the children’s ward.

Chapter 17 – I thought the hard times were over

I am going to speed things up here a bit, cause it all was a blur to me.

After the Christmas of 96, things got into a routine.  Around February of 97 my physical therapy ran out and my therapists no longer came around.  It was really a waste of their time, I could run through my exercises with ease.  My arms were getting very strong.  It was hilarious cause in high school, I had been a runner, and not very big up top; now my muscles in my legs had shrank a bit, not completely cause I did get on the exercise bike that moved them, but now my arms and trunk area were built.

We got the large settlement from the insurance companies, which pretty much set us securely in regards to my medical bills.  I was on total disability, as my doctors agreed that I would not be able to work a normal job due to my injuries.  I started taking college courses in graphic design and IT, which was going well.  With me not needing to juggle school and a job, I was able to devote time to my school work.

Mom, grandma and Aunt Sharon were working making cloth diapers, big baby clothes, or adaptive clothing as they like to call it.  It was onsies, sleepers, overalls with snaps in the crotch and such.

Dad got into woodworking, and had begun to build large baby furniture.  He was building highchairs, wood cribs, changing tables and whatnot; in addition to normal furniture.

They started a company called Forever a Toddler, which I created the website for, as the orders started pouring in.

Myself, I got into freelance graphic design, and game beta testing.  I re-learned how to drive.  Which is different when you cannot hit the gas or brake with your feet.  Dad says I got a lead hand (instead of a lead foot). LOL, one time I got pulled over and the cop asked me to step out of the vehicle.  “it’s going to take a few minutes, I got to transfer out of the seat into my chair”  Yeah that shut him up.  I mean I was seen driving away from a bar at 2AM.  I picked up some friends so they would not have to drive.  I cannot drink at all due to my medications.

We bought a little Honda for mom, and I took the lift van as my ride.

I saw my share of hospitals in 97.  In July, I got a bug bite on the back of my leg and I could not see it, and it was not noticed for a few days, cause when my pants were pulled down for diaper changes it was covered.  By the time it was noticed, I was going into shock and spiking a fever of 104.  The body does drastic things when it needs to communicate pain and you are not listening.  Yeah it was a little embarrassing.  I was at a client’s working showing artwork I had did for them, and I broke out in a sweat (no biggie, I was speaking in front of people), but the seizure that came with the fever sent me flailing around, fell out of my chair, put a knot on my head.  Got taken to the ER, even though I just wanted to go home.  They started to cut my pants and I screamed NO!!!!  pull the inseams.

“what sir” the nurse said

“pull on the inseams, they come apart” I said

“sir we need to get these pants off you, now. We don’t have time to roll you over and get them off without cutting them.”  I sat halfway up and yanked on the inseam and the snaps popped open

“there see, they come all open” I said as I collapsed back down on the gurney, mumbling “cut a $100 pair of pants off me, forget it”

Mom had arrived during that all, and was scared, cause she had never seen me like this before.  She was also trying not to laugh at me complaining about my favorite pants about to get cut off.

I don’t remember much after that, they got me moved to a regular room and were cooling me down and pumping me up on drugs. So there I lay in nothing but a soaked diaper ontop of ice packs to get the fever down; and in walks a former cheerleader from my high school days “hello Jay, heard you gave us a little scare”  It was Jackie Smith the former head cheerleader, she was a year older than I, but we knew each other from high school

“huh, yeah” I said awakening from my day dream and realizing that I was laying in the bed in a soaked diaper.  I tried to sit up to grab some covers but there were none. She saw the diaper and could tell I was embarrassed.

“Nothing to be embarrassed about, you need to wear them.  But it looks like the previous shift could have at least changed you and covered you up before they left.  I am your Nursing assistant for the night, just stopping in to get your vitals, and in your case, change you into something dry.”

She went about her work getting my temp and blood pressure and pulse in both arms and legs (which the doctor insists on when you have paralysis – to make sure you have circulation). Then she turned towards the shelf on the end of the room and grabbed a diaper, wipes, powder and gloves. “ok, lets get you changed”

I looked at the diaper she had in her hand, blushed a little bit at what was about to happen, and informed her “umm Jackie, what you are about to put on me is garbage, it won’t hold worth a darn.  Can you please get in my bag and get one from there, I would feel better with one of them” I said pointing to the backpack on my wheelchair, which my parents must have brought  to me”

She opened the bag and got out one of my diapers and marveled at how thick they were.  “now if we had these, I would not be changing people so often”

She got me changed in no time and since my fever had gone down, removed the ice packs from under me. “can I get some Pajama bottoms and maybe something to wear on top, I don’t really like laying around in just a diaper”  She soon came back with PJ bottoms that looked like they came off the children’s ward.

“these should fit you, you always were on the small size”

“yeah that’s me.  Though I must admit it probably makes it easier for people to care for me.”  We talked for a bit, she was always dating the jocks, when she went off to college for nursing she lost her boyfriend cause he was now a big jock on campus and wanted nothing to do with her.  “Well if you ever want to go out sometime to a movie or dinner, just call me up, here’s my number” I said.  I cannot believe I just tried to pickup the person who just changed my wet and messy diaper.  I have gotten brave in the last year.

“I would love to, I always thought you were nice in high school, just a little geeky, but since college, geeky is neat to me.  I got to get to my other patients, if you need anything hit the buzzer” She said as my parents walked in

“Son you gave us a scare there.  Seems that you got a nasty infection from a bug bite, got into your blood and all.  We are going to have to be more careful about checking your legs and such” dad said

“The client liked your work, and wants you to do more when you get better, which the doctor said should be in a few days.” Mom said

“ugh, I don’t want to be here now, let alone a few days from now” I whined

“oh quit it, you will survive, I got your laptop and a phone cord, and brought your discman and some CD’s also” Mom said, what a savior she was.

I ended up back in the hospital the middle of August, with a bad case of dehydration, I was trying to limit fluids so I did not have to change as much.  Bad Idea – another 2 days in the hospital.

I was seeing Jackie on a semi-regular basis, and it was getting more regular too.  Though she had changed me in the hospital and helped me one time in the van, she had not seen my bedroom.  One evening we had went out of town and I was really tired, so she drove home.   Normally I would drop her off at her house or she would meet me at mine and we would leave without going in the house too much.  Tonight was different.

When we got home, mom was still up, so she met Jackie outside getting me out of the van “he is sleeping like a rock, I think I wore him completely out.  We went shopping at that new mall at polaris and then ate at Red Lobster.  He was dozing off during the end of dinner, so I said I would drive and about 10 minutes after we left I heard him recline back”

“Thank you for taking care of him, let’s get him in the house, have you seen his room” mom asked.  Now if I had been awake I would have stopped that, but I was not and I couldn’t.

“no, he always tries to meet me in the driveway, why is there something he is hiding?”

“well with you two being steady, I think you should know…..” mom trailed off as she was lowering the lift  “isn’t this remote control for his chair awesome, I can just drive him anywhere” as she drove my chair up the ramp into the house and down the dim hallway.  “I am not sure when or if he was ever going to tell you about this side of his life, but it has helped him cope with his new challenges that he has faced.” Mom said as she opened the door and turned on the dimmed lights.

“Oh My!” Jackie smiled a bit at the babyish attire of my room, but was not disgusted about it “well if he is happy, who are we to judge, in fact in my medical books for psych class it says that sometimes patients will tend to regress or change their ways after a trauma like he was in”

That night mom and Jackie diapered me, and put me in a onsie and into my crib.  I vaguely remember Jackie putting my CPAP mask on and kissing my forhead “night night little one” and then she snuggled my pooh bear next to me and turned out the light.

After that night, I gained a steady girlfriend and a new caregiver.  We spent almost every day off together.  This kinda bummed out Jake, cause he was used to hanging around me a lot.  Jackie kinda took the lead, and invited Jake every now and then.  She said he was like a little brother.

Chapter 16 – Christmas time

Dad had told me as he was hauling the Christmas decorations down from the attic that I was “lucky” I did not have to climb up there and haul them down.  I am not too sure I would look at it that way, as I would much rather be able to walk again.

Even though I could not get the wondrous task of hauling boxes down, I got the fun task of untangling lights.  “that’s it !  you have got to put these damn things back properly, Jesus Christ  old man.  These look like you coiled them in a cement mixer” I yelled up into the attic opening.

He peeked out the opening, “hey butthole, I seem to recall YOU took them down last Christmas, smartass!”

“oh” Was all I could say, jeeze what else could I say, I mean I was speechless.  The way dad said it, made me actually feel good;  so many people had been sugar coating stuff and not treating me like they would have before my accident.

Things also got a bit easier for me too, I was learning how to do shopping, was getting a bit more flexible and able to help with my personal care too.

The tree was put up and soon presents began to fill under the tree; I knew mom and grandma were up to something, I just knew it! They both had that look, they would look me up and down like they were sizing me up.  By this time grandmas was staying at our house a few days out of the week to give mom a break.

It is family tradition for us all to go to church on Christmas Eve and then we all went back to whoever’s house that Christmas was being held at.  This year it was our house, again, mainly because of me.  We all went out to Bob Evan’s before church.

Dad had been gone all day, and I did not see him before we went to church, but he was at church when we left, he had came with Aunt Sharon.  Wonder what those two were doing?

Church was as boring as ever, but at least I don’t have to sit in the hard pews, I got my cushy wheelchair.

Jake was not at church, because he was at his dad’s house.  Aunt Sharon said that his dad would drop him off later.

When we got home, I was tired, I thought that I would stay up and wait for Jake to come; but it had been a long day.  Mom had ran me all around town doing shopping and stuff. She made me get a haircut too.  I fell asleep in no time in my chair.  Shortly before Jake arrived at 10:00, Mom sat me back up and wheeled me off to my bedroom and got me dressed for bed.  I don’t even think I woke up when she changed my diaper and put me in a footed sleeper.

I woke up to another body being put in my bed, mom was helping Jake into bed, he was obviously diapered and in a onsie too. I just drifted back off to sleep.

“good morning babies” I heard mom say as she softly caressed my face and took my mask off and put me in the overhead lift and moved me to the changing table.  Jake woke up halfway through my change

“Aunt Karen, I think I am messy, can you change me too” Jake said around the pacifier in his mouth

“sure sweetie, lemme get Jay changed and dressed”.  Mom got me into a plain blue onsie and a pair of knit overalls.  I looked like a toddler.  “OK, Jake, hop up”

Jake crawled out of the crib, diaper crinkling and smelling a little bit, and then crawled up on the changing table.

“hey jake, I see you still enjoying the diapers.” I said

“yep, mom gave me them for Christmas.  Just got them a little early”

“OK boys, why don’t you two go to the kitchen and get some cereal, then you can help us cook.”  Mom said

Christmas morning rolled around and much to my surprise we got a little snow, but not enough to keep me inside when I wanted to go out.

I got a lot of things for Christmas.  I got a laptop computer so I can start taking classes again.  I am probably just going to take them through the mail, or at the community college.  I got more cloth diapers, some more toddler clothes.  Jake got some too, but he got a much bigger surprise in a small package.

“here Jake, this one is for you”  Aunt Sharon said as she handed him a envelope

Jake opened up the envelope and removed several Polaroid pictures; he looked intrigued by them  and then his jaw dropped.  He passed them to me and I was surprised.  They were of the house across the street, I know cause I had been in that house before.  The final few pictures showed a room with a big crib like mine, changing table, and stacks of diapers. The room was painted baby blue, with baby print border trim on the walls, with the name JAKE in baby block lettering.

“The first ones look like the inside of the house across the street, I was in that house once or twice over the years.”  I said,  “but I don’t think I had ever seen pics of that bedroom”

Aunt Sharon spoke first “Jake, how would you like to live closer to Jay, and have your own baby room?”

Jake started to cry “mommy I love you so much. But how, when?”

“I know jake, and I love you too, that is why I did this for you.  I have been wanting to move closer to for a while, to help Aunt Karen and Uncle James and Jayson.  It was just in this last month that it became reality. Aunt Karen and Uncle James helped us get the house, and they have been slipping over when they can to help get the house ready.  The movers will be arriving Monday at our old house to help pack the big things like beds, refrigerator, stove, TV’s, clothes, dressers.  And the rest of the stuff we can move ourselves.”

“This is going to be so cool!”  Jake said his eyes lit up

“yeah man, it will be” I said

Jake’s face turned to worry, aunt Sharon knew what he was thinking about.  “Now honey, I know you are worried about what other people will think, so I am going to setup your ‘normal’ bedroom like you have at home now, in one of the spare rooms.  Until you decide you no longer want or need it.”

“oh, mom, thank you so much, this is the best Christmas ever” Jake said as his face turned a little red

Mom crinkled her nose “ok, somebody needs changed”

“I got them Karen, I got a feeling I need some practice” Aunt Sharon said as she got up “I’ll be right back, come on boys”

“Why me” I said

“You probably need one too.” She was right

You may have noticed that Aunt Rose and my other cousin Troy and his dad were not at Christmas, well they decided to not come.  Seems that they did not agree with the whole diapers and regression and baby stuff.  This caused a rift between the family for many years.

Mom, Aunt Sharon and Grandma were all fine and ok with me and Jake being in diapers and the baby related stuff; however aunt Rose thought of it as bordering on abuse.  She is crazy anyways, which is why Troy was always in trouble.

Years later he would end up in prison for starting a fire that burnt down a business.  After that, his mom and dad split up and moved away.  Mom still talks to Aunt Rose, but not often.

A few days after Christmas, my friend Matt that I e-mailed after thanksgiving finally called and came over, since he was off on winter break from college.  We hung out, but I think my condition was too awkward for him. We didn’t talk much more for a few months, just mainly e-mails; but then again he was in law school.

Jake and Sharon were pretty much regulars at our house , as we were at their house too.  Most people just thought Jake and I were brothers, since we hung out together so much.

Chapter  15 – the next morning

I think it was like 4:30 when mom and aunt Sharon came into my room to check on us.  I got changed, but Jake was fine.

Dad came in about 9am to get us up.  By now I needed changed again and Jake was on the verge of leaking.  We basically milled around the house and in the garage; mom wanted the Christmas decorations pulled out of storage at least, if not put up.

It was about 2PM and mom was still not home yet, dad was getting restless;  not wanting to setup the decorations, just to have to re-arrange them when she got home. “OK boys, lets get you both changed, then go for a ride.  We got a friend who I would like to see.”

Dad got us both changed in no time flat.  He was getting much better at this.  We got loaded up in the van, after dad had to run back into the house and get the “diaper bag”

I vaguely remember this road, then it dawned on me. This is the road to Ms. Jensen’s house, the lady I bought my mustang from.  When we pulled into the drive she came walking out of the house.

“Oh Jay, I am so sorry to hear about your accident, I know you loved that car like my Michael did” She said, wiping her eyes

Something clicked in my head, I had a flashback to the day of the accident “hey man, just lay still, the medics are on their way”  That was all I remembered.

We talked and his mother showed me his photo and his Purple Heart, sure enough that was the face I saw that night.  I started crying, could it really be….

“Mike was there, he was the one who got me out of the car.  After the crash there was a guy in fatigues above me telling me to just lay still.  Nobody knew who it was or where he came from or went to.  I am certain that Michael was part of that car that night”

We then left Ms. Jensen’s and headed back to town, “who wants Mexican” My dad said

“umm dad, based on the stench that Jake has been making in his diapers, I don’t recommend it”

“Well he just needs to take what you do, which reminds me, you need your meds, it’s 4 O’clock.  OK, how about Rax instead”

“SOLD!” I said as we turned into the lot.  I got a BBC and a chocolate chip shake, and a large glass of water to take my pills with.  I shared with jake my secret weapon to no stinky diapers and gave him 2 Nullo’s

We drove around a little bit more before heading back home.

When we got home mom and Aunt Sharon were waiting, and so dad let them deal with the diaper changes that we both were in need of.  Jake asked his mom “when are we going home?”

“as soon as I get your diaper changed” Sharon said

“but you said that I only had to wear them as long as I was here”  Jake said as his mom had already slid another one under him and pulled it up between his legs.

“Listen Jake I know that you don’t mind being in diapers, and it is cool if you want to keep wearing them too” Sharon said  “you can decide if you want to keep wearing them or not, and if you want to take some to your father’s or not too”

“I don’t mind wearing them, but I don’t want dad to know.  I will wear this one home, and can we take one for tonight, but after that I think I am done”

“Don’t worry about taking one home, I got you a whole case of them, and grandma is making you some cloth diapers too” Sharon said

Jake’s eyes got big, I don’t know if he was going to cry or smile with joy.

“Why did you get me diapers?” Jake asked, still not sure if this was punishment or gift.

“We’ll talk on the way home, lets go” Sharon said as she pulled Jake into a seated position and off the changing table and smacked his diapered rear.

That was all I had heard about Jake till Christmas.  Mom had said that aunt Sharon said he wore from time to time. Cause she had called mom and asked what she thought about Jake wearing diapers, and about things like rash creams and stuff.

Chapter 14 – Bring on the turkey and surprises

“wake up sleepy head” I heard my dad say to me as he brushed the side of my face  “your mom sent me to get you ready for the day.”  My dad had helped mom get me ready before, and had changed me on the several occasions that mom was busy, but he had never did it all by himself.

He lowered the side of my crib and got me sat up with my legs over the edge of the crib. “OK, just put your arms around my neck” he said as he wrapped my legs around his waist and put his arms under my butt “I see mom put a cloth diaper on you”

“yeah, it is really thick, hope it held ok”

“well I don’t see any leaks on the sheets” he said as he sat me down on the changing table.  Dad made quick work of getting the sleeper and plastic pants off.  I am not sure the old man was prepared for what he encountered next….. I left a nice healthy load in my diaper while I slept.

“Oh lord you definitely left a load back there, lets roll you over”  he rolled me a little on my left so he could tuck the right side of the diaper under me, and then rolled me completely over on my side, and removed the diaper.  I could hear him still working back there, the sound of the wipes going across skin and being dropped into the trash can.  He rolled me over to my back and handed me wipes, as I tried my best to clean myself up.

“that is all I can reach” I said.

“it’s ok, your mother wants you in the shower anyway.”  Dad took a underpad and put it on my wheelchair and picked me up again and set me in my chair.  “here cover yourself up” Dad said as he threw me a towel and grabbed some diapering supplies.  “Cloth or disposable?”

“Huh?” I said as dad held up a folder cloth diaper and plastic pants and a disposable diaper in his hands.  “oh disposable is ok, I thought mom said she would only use the cloth ones at night”

“yeah I think I remember a conversations about that, I don’t pay attention sometimes”  Dad said as he grabbed other clothes.  “let’s roll.  When we get the shower done, I’ll just change you in our bedroom.  No reason to drag you back through the house just to dress you.”

“got a question for ya.  Cause this makes no sense.  Why is my bedroom on one floor, and the bathroom on the other floor. I mean if I had a room on the same floor, I would not have to go through the kitchen naked”

“uh yeah, we thought of that…. After we remodeled the house.  We were going to switch you bedrooms, but if something happened and you had to get out of the house, it would be better if you were on the main floor.  I think in the spring we will get a small bathroom added on to your room.”

The shower was good, and soon enough, my family members arrived.  My aunts and uncles and cousins were all mulling around the house. Just hope that nobody gets in my room.

It was great to see my cousins, I used to only see them at holidays and family events, but since the accident, not so much.

My cousin Jake was the one that I got along with the most, he was about 6 years younger than I, but we had the same interests; video games, computers, and techy stuff.

My other cousin Troy was a brat, he was a little older than Jake, but was the total opposite of Jake.  He was always in trouble, suspended from school for bullying, setting fires in trashcans, etc…. His mom and dad never thought that he could have done those things.  My other Aunt, Jakes mom never got along with Troy’s mom and dad.

Mom was showing people around the house.  My cousin’s wanted to ride the elevator, but mom said “it’s not a toy, it is for jay’s use only….. ok, and when I don’t want to bring the laundry up”

“what did they do to Jay’s  room” my aunt Rose said

“it was remodeled, but jay asked that nobody go in his room, it is his space, and he wants to keep it that way” mom said

I just hoped her explanation would be good enough.  An hour later I found out it was not good enough, as my cousin Jake and my other cousin Troy came running into the room with troy laughing, “Jay’s room looks like a baby lives in it, he has diapers and a crib”

Come to find out Troy somehow was able to grab the key that was hanging on my chair, figuring that my room with the locked door handle was what it went to.

My face got red, not with embarrassment, but anger “My mother told you that I wanted my privacy and you stole my key and went in there anyway.  So what if what I sleep in looks like a crib, and I do infact have to wear diapers.  What do you think happens when you have no feeling below here” I pointed at the numb zone  “yeah I bet you enjoy making fun of people having to wear them and sit around wet and messy, and be changed by other people.” That was directed mostly at Troy.  I was pissed off majorly, and I did not care.  In this week, I had been laughed at by people who I thought were friends, talked about behind my back with horrid rumors, treated like a vegetable at McDonalds, and now my one basic wish was not honored.

My mom and aunts came into the room to see what the commotion was all about “what is all this noise”

Troy started in, “Mom, he wears diapers and sleeps in a crib like a big baby, we saw them in his room”

Jake just stood there, he could sense that he was going to be in trouble

My aunt Rose spoke first, “so, you two went into Jay’s room, after aunt Karen (my mom) told us all not to go in there”  both Troy and Jake looked down at their feet

“More like they stole the key off my chair and went in there because the door was locked… I checked it when I left my room” I said angrily

“yes, we’re sorry”

Aunt Sharon who is Jakes mom said “Oh Jake, you will definitely be sorry.” she said as she went over to him and grabbed him by the arm “Karen, may I go in Jay’s room. So I can deal with jake”

I piped in “You might as well, everybody else knows what is in there”

Aunt Sharon drug Jake towards my room, as she opens my door, I hear an “Oh My!” and the door slammed shut.  A few minutes later we all heard arguing followed my a snap and a deadly silence then more snaps and crying.  Jake and Sharon emerged about 10 minutes later.  Jake looked like he had been crying.  He was dressed differently.  Looked like his mom has been through my clothes.

“Nice clothes wittle Jake” Troy said in a baby tone

“Now Troy, that is not funny” Aunt Rose said, not even being serious

Standing there was Jake in a visibly thick diaper, obviously one of my cloth ones, and a onsie with a teddy bear on it.  It was so hard for me not to laugh.

Jake plopped down on the sofa and grabbed one of the quilts off the back of the couch; in and effort to hide what he had on.  Troy kept looking at him and snickering.

When troy got up to go in the kitchen, Jake slid over to the side of the couch that I was near “Jay, I’m sorry, man I had no idea what you have to go through each day. It was not my idea to go in there.  Troy is just mean, he wanted to make more fun of you, but I told him no.  I don’t know why he is so mean. These diapers are so thick, but these diapers do kinda feel good in a unique way.  I don’t know why but something feels good about them.”

Just then Troy came back in, “mom said dinner will be ready soon, and we need to get downstairs at the kids table. I wonder if there is a highchair for you two”

I started off through the kitchen so I could get to the elevator, Jake followed me.  I was hoping to get into the elevator and to the basement without having to take anything downstairs… WRONG.  I got to the elevator only to find it was not on this floor, somebody went downstairs and left the door open, so it can’t come back up. Dad was the culprit.  After mom yelled at him the elevator started moving.

While waiting for the elevator mom and aunt Sharon got the food ready to take down, “Oh boys, why don’t you be dears and take this stuff down with you”,  as they brought bowls and trays over.  Troy got loaded down with stuff too.  “and when you get down there be sure to shut the door so I can come down with the turkey.”

Troy took the stairs, so in the elevator was just me and Jake.  I have always been more closer to Jake, as they only live 20 minutes away and Troy lives over an hour away.  “hey Jake, you ought to sleep over some night, we can stay up late and play sega”

“That would be cool, I was going to ask before Troy and I got in trouble, but mom probably won’t allow me to now”

“Well you can always ask her” I said as we got to the basement. “my mom would always be happy for me to have some more interaction than what I get”

“I will try and ask.” Jake said, not certain if his mom would allow him.

Dinner was great, we all ate at the same table like a big family.  About the time we all were done, Jake started squirming in his seat; I knew what was happening when he leaned over to his mom.  “Well go ahead and use it, you got it on” Aunt Sharon said.

He squirmed for a bit more and then finally got still and I heard a little fart and Jake’s face went beet red.  He just messed his diaper and it was noticeable to all.  Troy started waiving his hand in front of his face and pinching his nose.

“Why don’t you two head up to Jay’s room, and I will be up in a second to take care of you” mom said, as if I was the one who just messed themselves.  Granted I probably did need a change.

“I’m first” I said as I got into the room first, and so did my changer

“Where is my mom at” Jake said looking uncomfortable with the mess in his diaper

“she is still downstairs, do you not think I can handle the task.  I am changing him 4 to 6 times a day” Mom said as I laid back and helped mom with my track pants and the snaps of my onsie.  Sure enough I was wet and messy, but my poop don’t stink.  “OK Jake hop up”

Jake moved over to the changing table and as he sat down the mess smashed in ever more.  The look on his face was priceless.  “eeewwww”

Mom got him laid back and unsnapped his onsie and got his plastic pants and diaper off “woah boy that is smelly.  Jay’s don’t smell that bad”

“Hey mom can Jake spend the night?” I figured I would start by asking my mom first

“Jay, we really don’t have the guest room anymore, so he would have to sleep on the air mattress” Mom said as she was cleaning the mess off Jakes backside

“That’s OK aunt Karen, I don’t mind”

“You will have to ask your mom Jake”  Just then his mom walked into the room

“ask me what?” aunt Sharon wanted to know

“Jay wanted Jake to spend the night” Mom said “lift up Jake”

“do I have to wear another one” Jake whined

Mom and Aunt Sharon both said “yes you do”

“I don’t know Jake, Aunt Karen probably has her hands full taking care of Jay, plus I wanted to go shopping tomorrow morning also”

“please mom, I don’t want to go shopping at 6AM, and aunt Karen said it was ok already”

“Oh alright, but you will be in diapers and expected to use them the whole time you are here too” Aunt Sharon said

“hey Sharon, do you think I can grab a ride with you shopping tomorrow, I don’t want to drive James’ truck, and the only other vehicle is the van and I don’t want to take that and leave James and Jay without the chair lift”

“Sure!, do you trust James to change diapers and such”

“Actually he is quite good at it.  OK Jake all done” Mom said as she helped him up and snapped his onsie and patted him on the bottom

By this time, everybody else had dug into the desert, which was pumpkin pie cheesecake. Yummy.  We all sat around for awhile longer till about 8 PM when my cousin Troy and aunt Rose decided to go home.

Mom and aunt Sharon were in the kitchen plotting where to go shopping first. I was getting tired, which was funny as I kept dozing off and hitting the joystick on my chair and moving the chair and waking myself up.

“ok time for you to go to bed, and you too” dad said while pointing to me and Jake  “lets go, in the elevator”

Back upstairs my dad got me changed, and got jake changed.  “so where are you going to sleep at” dad said to Jake

“I dunno, aunt Karen said that there was an air mattress”

“ya know dad, my bed is big enough for two people, it’s not like I am going to fall out of it.  He can sleep at the one end and I can sleep on the other end”

“works for me” dad said as he was finishing up on my diaper “ok, into bed” dad said as he picked me up and put me in the crib, and then jake climbed in.  It really was not that crowded.  I grabbed my pooh bear and snuggled up with him

“good night dad”

“see you two in the morning, if ya need changed, just hit the button” dad said as he turned off the light and shut the door.

“So Jake, why didn’t you put up a fuss about having to wear another diaper?” I asked, seeing that any normal person would have issues with having to wear a diaper if they did not normally need them.  I know I would not want to wear them if I did not have to.

“Well my mom said I was being punished, and it would have done no good.  I dunno, I kinda like the way they feel, they are all soft and thick and comfy; why, does it bother you that I don’t mind wearing them?” he said

“I don’t know, I just know that if I did not have to wear them, I probably would not like to.  I guess it is different when you have a choice”

“well remember my mom said I had to wear them as long as I stayed here, for punishment for coming in your room when told not to.  Though it sucks that troy did not get treated the same way.  He was just as guilty as I was”  Jake lamented

“Yeah Aunt Rose lets him get away with anything sometimes.  I’m sorry you got in trouble”  and I was, I should have been open and honest with my family about how my life has changed.

“Ya know, about all I regret is the spanking, that hurt, but I deserved it.  I said something to my mom that made her mad.  Well I am tired so I am going to try to sleep”

“me too, I just gotta find a comfortable position, which is sometimes hard to do” As I lay there I kinda smiled, I now have a cousin who I am even closer to through a connection of diapers.

Little did I and Jake know, but our moms were listening to the monitor system in my room, and heard the whole conversation

“well I guess little jake is going to probably get some diapers.  Think the medical supply shop is open tomorrow”  Sharon said

“Oh I think it is, maybe you can get him a nice crib like Jay’s too” Mom said while laughing.

“we’ll see” Sharon said smiling

Chapter 13 – True intentions

When mom and I returned home that night, my Grandma, her mom, was already there to help mom prep some of the stuff for Thanksgiving the next day.  I tried to help the best that I could.  At around 9:30 pm, mom turned to me, “bedtime Jay”

“19 years old and I still got a bedtime” I moaned

“ok, cry baby, I will get you in your bed clothes and then you can come back out in the living room” mom said

As I wheeled to my room mom and grandma followed me,  I would have rather grandma not followed, it is bad enough having mom in there changing my diapers

“They really fixed your room up nice Jay” Grandma said.  “It is definitely cleaner than what it used to be, though that bed of yours looks more like a crib”

“see mom, even grandma thinks so!”  At that moment I looked over into my bed and noticed that there was one of the largest Winnie the Pooh bears I had ever seen, and it looked like there was padding around the inside of the rails too.  “moooommmmm!!  What is that?”

“That is the promised surprise, oh and so is the new TV on the wall too. Your dad put it up while we were gone.”

So that’s why she took me out all day, and down to Young’s, trying to sweeten me up.

“Jayson, I  bet you’ve never noticed this,” pointing to a little white box on the dresser across from my bed.  “That is a baby monitor with video. Jay, I have seen you each night since that first night, snuggling with the stuffed animals.  It is alright if you want to regress as a way to cope with all of this, we all understand”

She had me there, I was so embarassed.  I did not want to admit it to her, or even myself, but these last two weeks I had found myself regressing a little.  I was thinking of the bed as my crib, and was dependent on my animals.  Heck in a way I actually liked being changed by mom and dad – it was personal one-on-one time that I had not had in years. It was time when I could actually talk about my feelings about all of this; which accompanied all the mood swings

“It also has seemed to bring you out of that funk you have been in the past several months in the hospital and since coming home”  again she was right  “I have been looking online, and have gotten a few things… I am thinking about switching you to cloth diapers, would you like that?”

“I dunno, will they be thinner, will they leak more or less”

“They will be thicker and not leak as much.  Maybe we can try them just at night.  Grandma has been doing some sewing for you too. She made a few cloth diapers that she thinks you would like, and hopefully are the right size for you and thick enough”

Mom proceeded to pull out a thick cloth diaper that had Tigger, Pooh and friends on it.  All this baby stuff was getting a bit much.

“MOM!! Those look babyish, I am 19 years old, not 2” I said, pouting, though on the inside I thought they looked cute, but I could not let on, lest I relinquish my adult status.

“Oh would you quit being a big baby” She stopped and composed herself as she thought about the fact that her son’s room had a large stuffed animal on the bed, crib bumpers, and she was holding a baby printed diaper “nobody is going to see your diapers anymore than they do normally.”  Which meant just mom, dad, the PT and maybe the doctor’s office nurses.

“It’s not like you roll around the house in just a diaper, or would you be wearing these out, just here at the house” she continued “now transfer over here so we can try this on”

I slid over to the changing table, as I now referred to it.  She rolled me side to side and slid it under me. Then she pinned it tight and put plastic pants on me.  Looking in the mirror on the wall, I looked just like a toddler.  More was to come after the cloth diapers,

“Your grandma and I have been sewing some things for you, and now would be a good time to try them on.”  She pulled out a t-shirt looking garment.  It looked like a baby t-shirt, it had the snaps in the bottom  “this is what they call a body suit or a onsie, basically it is a shirt that won’t come untucked when you are moving in your chair and being transferred, and it should hold your diaper close to your body.”  Mom slipped it over my head and I helped with the arms, then she laid me back and rolled me side to side to get the bottom of it pulled down; then she snapped it up in-between my legs.

If the cloth diaper did not make me look like a toddler, this certainly will.

They continued to try other clothes on me, all in all Grandma made me 2 footed sleepers, they looked to be ones like I had seen at target in the boys department before, but there was zippers in the legs.  I also got some track pants with snaps on the inside legs, several more onsies.  I think the onsies and the pants are going to be nice cause it will help mom when she changes me.

I went back downstairs with them as they finished cleaning the house, I tried to help the best I could, but tended to be in the way when in the kitchen.  Finally I just went in den and got on the internet.  I sent an e-mail off to Matt

Hey man, it was nice talking with you today at walmart, thanks for the shopping help.  I checked with mom and I have the day off from PT on Friday, and mom said if you want to come over you can, just call first.  Let me know if you need my number or not.  I figure we could hang out, watch some tv, play some games on the tv.  Too bad it’s so cold out, cause we got a pool and hot tub, but both are outside.

Hey if you talk to anybody from our class, try to set the record straight about my accident and let them know that I am home and up for visitors if they call first.

See ya

Jayson

 

I surfed around some more, looking at the disabled chat rooms and stuff, they bore me, most of them are so stuck up about things like having others help them; which I have come to really enjoy for somethings that I cannot do on my own.

“Jayson” I heard my grandma call for me

“I’m in the den, but I am coming“ I said as I shut the computer off and headed back to the living room to meet mom and grandma

“I think I am going to head home, it’s getting late.  I know this all is hard on you, but you are such a strong young man, you will overcome the things that challenge you now.  If you don’t like the cloth diapers I made, I will make ones that are plain” Grandma said

I began to feel bad for throwing such a fit about the diapers, which she put time into.  “Grandma, I’m sorry, you worked hard on them, and I will try them.  We can decide on what material later.  I appreciate the work you did, and I know things will get better for me, I just have to press on”

Mom popped her head in from the kitchen where she had slipped off to  “OK, bye mom, Jay, you need to go to bed, busy day tomorrow with all the family coming over”

Begrudgingly I had to agree with her, and went to my bedroom with both of them in tow.  Mom went to change my diaper which was a little wet, but not in need of change “I think your grandma and I will be making more of the cloth diapers and clothes for you Jay, that is if that is ok with you.  Heck Grandma might start making more stuff and selling it online.”  Mom said

“I get so bored being retired”  grandma said

I never knew my mom sewed that much, nor grandma, but looking back I guess they did.  Mom and grandma made mention to getting a website started for making and selling cloth diapers.

I had told mom that on Thanksgiving, I did not want people in my room looking around.  I wanted to keep the diaper and regressing thing private.  Mom pointed out that dad had changed the doorknob out to be a locking one, which she gave me a key to.  Mom said that she would respect my wishes and make sure the door was locked.

That night mom put me in the footed sleeper, put me in my crib and I grabbed my pooh bear and soon drifted off to sleep.

Chapter 12 – out on the town

 

I got a reprieve the next week, only 3 days of PT, since there was the thanksgiving holiday that week.  On Wednesday the therapist and mom decided I needed out of the house, and to try to do stuff on my own.  So mom stocked up a duffle bag with things I would need, one of them being diapers.  First order of business was McDonalds breakfast.  The therapist followed us in her car, while mom drove the van.

I learned quickly that people sometimes will think that since I am in a chair that I cannot think for myself, order for myself or speak for myself.    At McDonald’s mom ordered for herself, and then the cashier asked mom what I wanted. “I have no clue, his appetite has changed so much, why don’t you ask him, he is 19 and can talk”

I ordered the big breakfast with hotcakes, and yes it was soooooo goooood!

Next stop hair salon.  A family friend works in a hair salon, so mom had made an appointment for me.  They really wanted to wash my hair, and I let them…. We just moved the normal chair out of the way and I reclined back…. Oooh it feels good to have your hair washed like that.  I got a nice short haircut, just like I like it.

Next stop library, got to get some books.  Also got some magazines about adaptive living.

The next stop was a drive. We ended up at a nursing home.  Just what I thought, only been back home a week and now they are shipping me off to a home, not really.  The nursing home has an indoor pool that has a lift so I can get in and do some water therapy.  This trip was just an orientation, just to see how things worked.  Seems that there is a group of paralyzed people who do group water therapy on Wednesday mid-days.  I got something to look forward to now.

It was about noon, and I usually get worn out around noon from all the work Nancy my therapist puts me through, but not today.  We said our good-byes to Nancy as we left the nursing home, and drove around the country side for a bit, and that fixed my energy problem… fell right asleep.

I woke up and mom is still driving, ugh I hate to be back seat… I like to know where I’m going.  “Where are we at?”

“You’ll know soon enough”

I noticed the red barns in the distance and a putt putt range, she is taking me to Young’s Dairy.  We got lunch and ice cream, then back in the van.

“now where” mom said

“I don’t know where, but I am probably needing a change” I said, sticking my hands down the front of my sweats.  “all that juice, milkshake, and I think breakfast has gone through me”

“I thought I smelled something funky, but thought it was the farm.  We will go over to the state park and change you there.

Mom pulled into a parking stall on the far end of the lot and came into the back.  This was only the second time since coming home that I have been changed in the van, and the first time I was messy when we were out and about.  The nice thing about track pants is that they come off easily, seeing that hey have snaps on the outside of the legs.

It took mom a bit to get me changed, but with time she should get better; heck maybe someday I could learn how to do it myself.

Our day out running errands was over, now down to business – shopping.  After the change we headed back home to do the grocery shopping  at wal-mart.  Since mom was holding the thanksgiving dinner at our house, she needed to cook the dinner. I also had work to do, per the therapist, shop for myself with very little help.

While rolling around wal-mart, I got a few stares from people who I knew from school and my jobs.  Ran into some friends, many seemed distant towards me, like I was a different person.  I talked with a track team mate, and I found out why.  “hey matt, what’s up” I said

“hey Jay, heard about your accident” Matt said

“Yeah, life certainly deals some wild hands sometimes.  I saw lots of people from our class, but they all seem to be distant”

“well there are lots of rumors going around, somebody started one that you two were drunk and drag racing, another one that you caused the wreck and killed Sam.  I know that neither were true.  You don’t drink and you drive safely too” Matt said

“yeah, I heard about them, really hurts that people believe that stuff.  To be honest, I did not even know what happened during the crash or what it looked like till last week.  My parents refused to let me know the details.  When I got home last Friday we sat down and went thru the scrapbook.”

“You want some help shopping” Matt asked

“sure, I never turn down help.  Can you grab the shopping list in the large part of my backpack”

What I failed to realize is that my backpack has more than just the shopping list in it, it is loaded with diapers and changing supplies; and it was unzipped.  “umm dude do you want me to zip up the rest of your bag, your ummm, umm, ummm, these white things with the yellow lines are showing” Matt stumbled to say

“OH SHIT, you mean my bag is unzipped and my (whispering) diapers are showing”  Embarrassingly I said

“uh yeah” he said  “that might have been why people were looking at you strange.” Matt said as he zipped the bag up   “OK, I got you all zipped up and I got the list”

“thanks, that is kind of embarrassing having them things visible like that.  Here is the list I was given I think all of it should be easy for me to get.  Mom is trying to see if I do my own shopping for things”  I said as I tried to push a regular cart which was not that easy

Finally Matt asked me, “so you have to wear those diapers?”

“yeah, I have no control over my bladder or bowels cause I cannot feel anything below my ribcage.  It is definitely embarrassing sometimes, cause my mom and dad have to help with a lot of things.

The rest of the shopping trip was done with more small talk.  Matt and I parted ways  “thanks for the help man, give me a call sometime, you might be able to stop over.”

“what is your schedule like usually?  I mean you just got out of the hospital and probably not in school.  What do you do during the day?”  Matt asked

Yeah people would not expect me to do much, I mean what could I possibly have to do, stay home and watch TV.   “Well most days I am working out from 9 to noon, then eat lunch, rest a bit and then more therapy.  Right now, I am usually free about 4 PM, if I don’t have a doctor’s appointment or anything.  Just give me a call tonight, and I will check with my mom, she knows what is going on more than I do”

I then motored on down towards the pharmacy to find mom.  While I was shopping in the food section, she was shopping in the rest of the store.  I found here just sitting on the benches in the Pharmacy, no shopping cart, no bags, nothing.

“See Jay, you can shop for yourself” she said

“yeah, but Matt helped me a little with the things on shelves out of my reach.  The shopping carts are not the easiest to maneuver alongside the chair. Or in front of it either, I need like baskets on the side of the chair.  Maybe tie it to the back of the chair and I just toss things back over my head into the basket”

“Hey mom, next time we go somewhere, can you make sure the backpack is zipped up fully, my supplies were showing”

“Oh my, I’m so sorry Jay.” She walked around behind me and made sure it was zipped up.

“Matt saw it was open and zipped it up.  So now he knows I wear them”

“Sorry Jay, he would have found out sooner or later.  We have a few more things and then we can head home”

“Did you even shop, where’s your cart?”

“I already shopped, bought, bagged, and put them in the car.  Even got you a surprise waiting in there for when you go to bed.”

Now she’s got my interest peaked.  We shopped a bit more, mainly diapering supplies, wipes, powder, ointments.  She bought a wipe warmer, not that I could tell the difference between a warm one and a cold one; I think it was more for her benefit.  She also drug me by the clothing section to get some more sleep pants and track pants that were now on clearance… since that is about all I wear these days.

Chapter 11 – The first of many dreams

 

I drifted off to sleep only to awake in a pool of sweat (I hoped) and crying from a nightmare.   Like a scared child I called out, but mom was already there.  I had a dream where Sam was asking me to drive again and I let him, I remember the white sports car and the semi, and then it went black and I woke up”

I guess when I was in the hospital I really never got the chance to dream, cause it always seemed like somebody was checking on me, poking me, prodding me, waking me up just to get a pill to make me sleep.

I helped mom get me from bed to my chair, strip the sheets off the bed…. I got a plastic sheet again – not had one of those for a good number of years. Then got changed; this time I wanted to help more,  I used the grab bars on the side of the table and rolled myself back and forth and tried to help her get the diaper under me, but my dang back brace keeps me from moving my arms and back (which it is supposed to do).

I would get these dreams for a few nights then not have them for awhile, then they came back, but fewer and fewer over the years.

That night I tried not to remember the dream, and when I got settled back into bed and comfortable, I looked over to my left, one of the stuffed animals that I had gotten with some long-gone get well balloons or a card was a Pooh bear; the bear was looking at me.  You know how a teddy bear’s eyes just seem to speak directly to your soul with out them saying a word, well his did.

Then, I did it; I grabbed the Pooh bear and held it close and cuddled with it.  I can’t explain why I felt a bond to that teddy bear, but yet I did.  He seemed to comfort me and tell me in a way It’s going to be alright, go to sleep, I’m here to keep you safe.  As I drifted off to sleep I had a peace come over me, I would get through this, I would be changed from what I used to be, but I would make it through it.

Nobody noticed that weekend that I held onto the bear when I slept, but on Monday when mom tried to bag up the stuffed animals, I threw the Pooh bear back onto my bed “I want to keep this one”  My mom shot me a look  “well what I sleep in looks like a crib, it might as well have a stuffed animal like one”

“Fine, after Christmas, we will look at getting a different hospital bed, since this one bothers you this much” Mom said in an annoyed tone; since I had been calling it a crib the last few days.  “Keep it up and you can have extra PT, maybe I will throw you in the ice cold pool!”

“OK, drill sergeant, shall I drop and give you 20” I said smiling

“Jay I am happy to see your sense of humor coming back”

“me too” I smiled and said

“Oh boy, look at the time the lady from PT will be here soon, do you need a change before you start”

“I dunno, duh, did you forget, no feeling.” I snapped back

without missing a beat, she pulled the front of my track pants down and out and said “nope, your stripes are still yellow”

PT was long and hard, but I was used to it; my arms were so sore…. I was getting upper-body strength to combat my lack of lower body strength.  I was still excercising my legs too, I had a motorized bike that my feet were strapped into and my legs moved.  Too bad the weather was so cold, can’t use the pool, and mom was not too sure about the hot tub.  They talked about enclosing the porch where the hot tub was.  Nevertheless I got in the manual chair and was put into the whirlpool tub upstairs to soak…. That felt so good.

Every day that week I pushed myself to the limits just a little more.  It was all fun and games till somebody pooped in the bathtub.  “I told ya she was working the shit right out of me” I said while laughing.

Mom was trying not to laugh as she transferred me to the toilet to see if the rest would work it’s way out.

After sitting for a bit, Mom wheeled in a new torture device – the stander.  Actually it was kinda cool.  Basically it has some hand grips to grab onto; then I lean over the device; basically it is like bending forward at my hips.  Mom got me cleaned up and into the shower. My trunk holds me up, cause my legs just dangled.  Mom got me cleaned up and into the shower chair.  I can basically wash myself entirely, except for my back.